Can I be real with you all for a minute? It’s been a tough week.

I recently started listening to a podcast called Deeply Human that I highly recommend. It’s about why we do the things that we do, like get angry when we stand in lines or why it seems to get harder to find the perfect match the more we date, even though it seems like it should be the other way around. This past week, I listened to an episode on pain that hit deep. Pain is something I am no stranger to. I have dealt with chronic illness since I was 10 years old – there has not been a day in the last decade of my life that I have not experienced pain.

This may come as a surprise to some people. I am very active, & I normally consider myself to be a rather optimistic person as well. And, just to be clear, this illness has not made me feel any less grateful in my life. In fact, I think it’s helped me to realize just how blessed I am. I love my life. But, as much as I don’t want my illness to define my life, it is a part of it, just as much as my job, my relationship, or my cultural background. So, why am I comfortable talking about those things, but not about the pain I experience?

This podcast had a really good answer. Pain is something we all struggle to talk about first & foremost because it’s a private feeling. I can’t explain in words what it feels like to experience chronic pain. You can only kind of understand if you have chronic pain as well, but then, we still don’t quite have an understanding because everyone’s experience of pain is different. We all have different levels of tolerance. For example, if I burn my hand on a stove, & you burn your hand on the same stove, we could feel completely different levels of pain. So, even though we both are experiencing the same burn, we don’t truly have an understanding of what the other person is experiencing.

Secondly, there is a bit of a taboo associated with pain. When we express the pain we are going through, we try to make light of it – we diminish our experience because we don’t want people to feel sorry for us or make things awkward. To the same respect, the people we are telling about our pain feel pressured to keep things light as well. The topic moves on quickly. The trouble with this is that pain, whatever type it may be (mental, physical, acute, chronic) can seem very isolating. 

Pain is interesting because it is simultaneously a universal & very personal experience. We all experience pain, yet we can’t ever truly understand anyone’s pain but our own.

So, let me tell you about my week. It was an awesome week. I spent time with family & friends; I finished all of my work during the week (something that rarely happens), so I had the opportunity to have a lovely, relaxing weekend; I received my second vaccine shot; and my dad, brother & future sister-in-law came to visit me at my new house with a surprise gift: a new grill! It was a fun & exciting week, & yet, I spent quite a few days of it breaking down in tears because I received a disappointing letter. After years of fighting chronic illness, a trial program at Johns Hopkins was finally created to help bring relief to patients like me, but I didn’t get in.

You know what’s interesting though? My pain level hasn’t changed in the last week. I feel the same as I always do. Despite the disappointment, the most painful thing about receiving this letter is that I felt like I couldn’t talk about it. I succumbed to the social pressures that said talking about pain was taboo & thought that expressing my feelings about this experience would bring other people down, so I tried not to talk about it at all. I shared about my job, had a date night with my fiancé, & posted pictures on Instagram about what was happening during my day, never even mentioning the biggest thing that had happened in my life because it would make things “awkward.”

The most painful thing about this past week is that I felt alone. While gathering documents to re-apply to the program & shuffling through lab report after lab report, I felt like I was the only one who could possibly understand what I was going through. It made my pain feel isolating.

But, I’m not alone. Whether you have experienced something like this or not, you have experienced pain. We all have. And, I think it might be time to start talking about it.

When I finally broke down this past week & shared my feelings, I felt a weight lift off of my shoulders. For days, despite all of the good happening around me, it felt like this was all I could think about. That letter had me shackled in silent suffering. Now, despite the fact that I am still experiencing pain & I still haven’t been accepted into the program, I feel free.

No matter what pain you are experiencing in your life, I want you to know that you’re not alone, & I encourage you, as awkward as it may be, to talk to someone about it. And if someone comes to you expressing a pain they have been experiencing, I encourage you not to change the topic because it’s “uncomfortable.” Lean into the discomfort. Get to know someone at that deep & personal level. And if you can, try practicing vulnerability & sharing some of your pain as well. I truly believe that if we start doing this, despite the different experiences of pain that we have, we will all realize once again the universal aspect of pain, & therefore, we will feel less alone & more connected than ever before. And that’s important, because connection – true human love & empathy – can be healing. Human connection has been proven to strengthen our immune systems, reduce stress, & help patients heal from trauma. Pain, in & of itself, can be traumatic. It wreaks havoc on our immune systems, & it can be the source of or a symptom of stress.

I know it’s not a magic pill. It won’t heal any pain you are experiencing, whether it be mental or physical. But speaking up & connecting with others will bring you comfort & support during your journey, & for a lot of us, I think that’s all we really want from our community.

Speaking up isn’t easy. This blog post is a start. If you need someone to talk to, please reach out to me. I would love to listen to your story.