Tyler V Layne

Colorado road trip: Day five

June 27, 2020 1 Comment

Yesterday was not the quintessential Colorado morning I was expecting, and I can’t say this morning was either. There is something strange about waking up in a tent in the middle of the woods, listening to the gentle mooing of cows. But the cool morning air and the mountains in the distance are a step in the right direction.

Joseph and I packed up our campsite and drove to Mesa Verde for an early morning hike. Unfortunately, most of the trails were closed because of COVID-19 or the fire hazard. We found one loop trail that was supposed to lead us around the canyons and give a spectacular view of the cave dwellings, but halfway through, we came up to a sign that prohibited us from going any farther. Disappointed, we turned around and walked back the way we came.

Despite this, the view was still astounding. From a distance, we looked out over the canyons to the homes carved into the rock. People are truly incredible. I can only imagine what it would have been like to build and live in those homes, with the risk of falling down the side of the canyon always a real possibility and living in a tight community where everyone worked together. As far as society has come since then, I can’t help but wonder if we have lost something.

When we returned to the car, we ate a quick breakfast and then headed to a nearby gas station. The tire pressure warning light in the car has been repeatedly appearing, despite Joseph filling the tires with air daily. When he checked the tire pressure today, the amount of air in the front left tire was alarmingly low.

“I just filled it last night,” Joseph said. “There must be a hole.”

So, in addition to the failing breaks, damaged rotors, and cracked windshield, we now have a hole in one of our tires. Because of the amount of driving we plan on doing tomorrow, we decided it best to get the tire, along with the breaks and rotors, fixed today. Luckily, our next stop was the main street in Telluride, so we planned to drop the car off in the town while we walked around.

While Joseph filled the tires with air to get us to our next destination, I went into the store to buy ice for our cooler. The bags of ice I saw in the freezer all looked a little too big, so I went to the cashier, a small woman with long brown hair and impeccable eyebrows, to ask if there were any other sizes available.

“No, just the eight pound bag,” she told me. “Do you have a small cooler?”

“Yeah, I just don’t think it will fit,” I said.

“Would you want half a bag,” she asked.

“Actually, yes, that would be great.”

“I have a small cooler and I do the same thing for me,” she said. “And I won’t charge you for it.”

“Oh, really,” I asked. “That’s very kind of you. Thank you.” The cashier shrugged it off.

“Oh, it’s no problem,” she said. “The full bag is only four dollars, so there’s really no point in charging you. Just give me a minute.” She tended to other customers waiting in line, and then she went into the back room, grabbed a fresh bag, and shoveled ice into it from a machine. After thanking her again, I excitedly presented the gift to Joseph, and then we were on our way to our next destination.

It was almost a two hour drive to Telluride, but after sitting in the car for days, the trip flew by as if we were just driving down the block. We stopped a few minutes outside of the main town to drop off our car at Telluride Tire and Auto Service. The owner, Stuart, told Joseph that it would be about an hour, so instead of going into town, he recommended a scenic spot where we could eat lunch. Joseph and I packed some food, and we walked a short distance to a nearby baseball field adjacent to a clear, blue lake. We sat on one of the benches and gazed up at the snow-capped mountains just a few miles away.

When we arrived back at the auto shop, we enjoyed a cup of complimentary coffee while waiting to be seen. When Stuart was ready, he delivered both good and bad news: The leak in our tire was fixed, but our brakes were not capable of bringing us safely home. He himself did not have the parts to fix them, but he asked where we were headed and then personally called mechanics in that area for us to find out who had the parts and could work on our car first thing tomorrow morning.

I am not sure we would have had any luck had we not had Stuart’s help. He had personal relationships with the owners and managers of each of the places he called, so we were able to get an appointment with a trusted mechanic when the shop opened tomorrow. And once securing us with that appointment after nearly half an hour of calling other shops, he told us that he was not going to charge us for the tire plug, nor the hour of labor he put in to fix it. We were stunned by his generosity and thanked him profusely, but he shrugged us off just as the cashier did earlier today. He said that his shop fixes tires for free for people passing through all the time.

“I believe in karma,” he said. “Years ago, my wife was driving to Oregon, and her water pump broke in Idaho. A farmer pulled over on the side of the road and told her that his son had an auto shop. He took her there and fixed her pump for free. I have never forgotten that.”

We thanked Stuart again, and then we left to continue our drive into Telluride. We passed through the main town, searching for what we were most excited about: The gondola ride. We continued down the windy road until it ended, sure at this point that we were driving in the wrong direction. However, the mountains ahead kept us going. We parked and took a few minutes just to take in the beauty of the giants towering above us. A waterfall cascaded down the side of the rock, and beside it, just like in Disney and Pixar’s “Up,” was a house sitting on top of the mountain.

As we drove back toward Telluride’s main street, Joseph spotted the gondola cables stretching up the side of the mountain. We parked in Telluride, and while Joseph paid, I ran to save our spot in line, which stretched down the sidewalk from the entrance. Luckily, the line moved quickly, and soon we were in our own little compartment, floating into the sky, watching the shops and homes grow smaller beneath us. The gondola climbed through tall white trees and over trails that wound down the mountainside, where people were biking. At the top, Joseph and I stared at the mountains in awe. This was the Colorado we had been dreaming of seeing.

We exited the gondola at the mountain market, a small town that had the feel of an amusement park main square. Despite the fact that people actually did live on the ski resort, the way the buildings were designed to match and connect with one another made it almost seem like a facade. I kept waiting for the people in costume to come out dancing.

We dipped into a couple of shops, including one filled with animal photographs, paintings, and figurines created from of rope, wire and beads. An older woman with a foreign accent I couldn’t quite identify sat behind a desk at the front of the shop, books filled with photographs of African animals in front of her. She informed us that everything in the shop was created in South Africa, and all of the proceeds were used to help save the elephants and rhinos.

Elephants are my favorite animal, so obviously I couldn’t stop myself from supporting this cause. I selected a small, beaded, elephant figurine who was in mid-trumpet. The woman behind the desk informed us that she was from South Africa, and she worked with Peace Parks Foundation, an organization that fights to keep the animals in Africa safe. She works particularly with elephants and rhinos.

“Did you know that 57 percent of the world’s species are extinct, and that happened in just the last forty years,” she asked us. “We need young people like you to help. If you have the chance to put a signature on something, sign it. And if you can volunteer, do it. It’s not easy work, but once you go to Africa, you aren’t ever going to want to come back.”

The view of the mountain market from the gondola

She grabbed a documentary off a nearby stack of DVDs, peeled the price tag off of it, and handed it to me.

“This is for you to watch,” she said. “It’s not pretty, but it’s factual, and it’s important.” I promised her I would watch it, and Joseph and I left with moods slightly dampened but adventures still to have for the day. I will have to research more about Peace Parks later. I have always wanted to go to South Africa, but circumstance has kept me here in the United States. However, perhaps I can find other ways to help support this cause.

Joseph and I rode the gondola back to the main street of Telluride to explore those shops. We bought some Belgian chocolate to enjoy for dessert and another post card to commemorate our experience. Then we returned to our car to start the drive to Black Canyon.

By now, it was getting to late, but we were determined to do at least a short hike in the canyons before the sun set. Just twenty minutes away from our destination, we stopped at a Walmart to pick up a few essentials. As we stepped out of the car, I gazed out at the black clouds in the distance and inquired about the weather.

“I was thinking about that, too,” Joseph said. “But I checked the weather and it said it is supposed to be clear all night.” We went into the store to pick up food and super glue for the crack in the windshield. As we approached the checkout, Joseph received a text from his mom, asking about how the weather was and where we were located. We bought our supplies and then headed to the doors, where we stopped in shock. In the short time that we had been in the store, the world had gone dark and the trees were bent sideways from the power of the wind.

We hurried to the car, where we checked the weather on our phones again, but the app still said the it was supposed to be clear all night. We decided to head to Black Canyon to see if the weather blew over, and if not, we would head straight to the campsite.

By the time we arrived at the national park, the weather seemed to have calmed. The wind was still heavy, but the skies had cleared a bit. The air had cooled considerably, so we put on jackets and sweatpants and headed to the trail. But just as we started the trek into the canyons, the rain began to pour down on us. We ran back to the car, where we watched lightning streak down the sky in the distance.

Still not wanting to miss our chance to visit the canyon, we decided to wait again. In fifteen minutes, the weather had cleared, but now we were twenty minutes away from sunset. With the agreement to be careful but to move as quickly as possible, we grabbed our rain jackets and hurried back to the trail.

I am so glad we decided to go. The temperature had warmed again, so we ended up shedding our layers within the first half mile. And the view was incredible. I thought I had completely tired from seeing canyons, but I found this view more magnificent than when I visited the Grand Canyon last year. The canyons plunged deep into the earth, teeming with trees and wildlife. And just as we were finishing the trail, the sun dropped behind the trees and lit up the sky like fire. I have never seen a more incredible sunset in my life.

As always, the picture does not do it justice – the sunset was absolutely breathtaking in person

Our campsite was just a few minutes away, so we made it there just before dark. The road was a little rough, and there was not enough space to set up our tent, but it was too late to try another campsite. While I made salads for dinner, Joseph cleared out the back seat, and then we ate in the woods. Joseph hung his hammock between our car and the trees so he could sleep beneath the stars, but I wanted protection from the wind and mosquitos, so I slept in the car.

As I fell asleep, I thought back to all the incredible people we met today. From brief encounters with kind townspeople, to the cashier who gave us a free bag of ice, to the man who fixed our tire for free and helped us to stay on track with our journey, to the woman who has dedicated her life to saving endangered species, we experienced the true gift of kindness and generosity throughout our day. And our experience would not have been the same without it. It’s curious to me that, just this morning, I was pondering if society had lost something since the time when we lived in close quarters in cave dwellings to our comfortable homes today. Then it seemed that every interaction I had today was created to remind me that simply wasn’t true. The spirit of human cooperation and benevolence has not been lost. The challenge now is to be willing to focus on the goodness of people, and to challenge ourselves to extend that kindness to others as well.

Travel

Colorado road trip: Day four

June 27, 2020 2 Comments

When I imagined my first morning in Colorado, I pictured waking to cool, crisp air, surrounded by pine trees, the sun’s rays peeking over distant snow-capped mountains. Instead, I woke up in the back of a car in an RV parking lot, cold and achy. But nothing could dampen the excitement I felt to finally be in the place I have been dreaming of visiting for most of my life.

Our first stop today was Great Sand Dunes National Park and Preserve. Driving towards the park, we marveled at the dunes that stretched nearly a third of the height mountains behind them. As we got closer, it became more apparent just how out of place the dunes seemed. With mountains and forests surrounding them, the dunes seemed to have just appeared out of nowhere. It was as if God had dropped a giant sand box in the middle of Colorado for all the humans to play on.

We bought a national park pass, an investment both Joseph and I have been excited about making. Hiking has always been one of our favorite pastimes, and with this pass, not only will all the national parks we plan on visiting on this trip be free, but so will all the others we visit for the next year. The idea of future weekend camping trips and day hikes is something we are both looking forward to.

We arrived at the sand dunes before the visitor’s center opened, so we headed to the trails first. We walked the half mile from the visitors center to the sand dunes, following the map on Joseph’s phone. However, as we walked across the sand, it became apparent that there was not much of a trail to follow. The challenge was basically to climb the dunes to the highest point; however visitors wanted to accomplish that was up to them.

To say the hike was difficult would be an understatement. Even as active people and experienced hikers, we had to stop multiple times, gasping for air and eagerly guzzling our water. The dunes were steep, and our feet sunk into the hot sand, so we were constantly fighting gravity to keep ourselves from falling. The highest dune stretched 755 feet into the air, and we had to climb numerous other dunes just to get to its base.

But the view was worth it. Gazing down from the top, the undulations of the dunes were reminiscent of ocean waves. The view of the mountains and Medano Creek were even more spectacular from that height. We watched in amazement as birds soared beneath us, winding between the dunes with enviable freedom. Far below us, the other visitors attempting the hike or sand boarding looked to be as small as ants. It was a moment of both exhilaration and awe as we gazed down at the world that we now seemed so far above.

We reached the top at just about the same time as another couple. Randy and Peggy are from Iowa, but they are currently in Colorado to visit their daughter. We chatted for a short while, and they offered to take our picture (after using hand sanitizer because there is a worldwide pandemic occurring). We took their picture as well and then parted ways.

I always enjoy having the chance to meet new people and hear their stories. Of the seven billion people on this planet, I have barely even scratched the surface in the amount of people that I know, and even fewer of those do I truly have a relationship with. It always amazes me just how many people there are, all unique and living different lives, all just trying to experience life and find meaning in what they are doing. I wonder how many people at the sand dunes today were searching for that meaning in Colorado. I wonder if that’s partly what I am doing here, too. I wonder if that’s why I am writing this blog.

We would have stayed at the top of the dunes for longer, but the wind was so strong that the sand it blew felt like small shards of glass cutting into our skin. And whenever the wind did cease, the sun beat down on us relentlessly. So, we began the trek back down, which was blessedly easier than the trip up. It reminded me of skiing as we glided down the sides of the dunes. My shoes filled with so much sand that they felt like weights on the bottoms of my feet.

Joseph did not want to take the conventional way down. We had not bought a sand board because they were so expensive, but that did not stop him. With the exclamation, “Who needs a sand board?” he leapt off the highest dune and slid and rolled down the hot sand. He told me afterwards that the sand on the sides of the dunes was so hot, he couldn’t stop moving without burning his skin.

We arrived back at the parking lot, famished and tired. However, we stopped briefly at the visitor’s center to pick up some post cards. Because of COVID-19, the store was operating only from the back door, with wares displayed in the store windows so visitors could choose and point to what they wanted and then have it handed to them beneath a glass partition. I actually didn’t mind this change of pace. It gave the concept of “window shopping” a much more literal meaning, but it was very efficient. We finished shopping in half the time it probably would have taken us.

We headed back to the car and ate a morning snack on the way to our next destination: Durango. It wasn’t a place on our original itinerary (which consisted mostly of national parks), but Durango was a small town I fell in love with last summer during 4K for Cancer when my team stopped there for the night. When I first visited, I proclaimed it was where I would want to live should I ever finally follow my dream of moving to Colorado. As Joseph and I were making our route for this trip, Joseph saw it was close to Mesa Verde. Knowing how much I loved it there, and wanting to see it for himself after I made him jealous when describing the town to him last year, he insisted that we visit.

The drive to Durango was breathtaking. We climbed and wound through forested mountains, rain pattering against our car like a gentle melody. Joseph and I drank in the view as if it were water. This is the part of Colorado I love. The sand dunes, canyons, and cacti are all fun to see, but the mountains and the forests have always felt like home.

When we arrived in Durango, the heat of the day had fully arrived. The sun had no mercy for us. Thankfully, dipping into air conditioned shops brought us some relief from the heat.

We packed a lunch and ate outside a closed shop, and then we walked the main street, visiting stores and enjoying the bustling atmosphere. Durango was just as amazing as I remembered. We watched a train go by and listened to its soothing sound, and the feeling came back just as strong as it did a year ago: I want to live here.

Even though it is our first full day in Colorado, Joseph and I both bought souvenirs because Durango is a town with both want to remember. It has had that same impression on both of us – this is somewhere special. Joseph bought me a hat, and I bought him a T-shirt and mug. We stopped at a cafe that served the best espresso and cold brew coffee that either of us tasted for a while. We walked the one street for the full three hours allotted by our parking meter, and we still did not have time to visit all the places we wanted.

On our drive back, I felt the energy in the car, the desire to return, the buzzing question of whether we could. Joseph was the one to bring it up first. Would I consider moving there?

After so many months of him asking me if I would really move to Colorado, today was the first time I answered without hesitation.

“Yes,” I said.

“Really,” he asked, surprised.

“Yes.” The excitement in the car grew.

“Could we do that,” Joseph asked.

“I don’t know.” Moving at all is intimidating, especially without careers in place and debt from school already hanging over my head; moving halfway across the country is nothing short of petrifying. So, why is it that every time I think of it, my whole body seems light up like electric wires are running through it, making me want to dance on the spot?

But the idea of leaving family and friends makes me pause. Moving to Colorado would mean starting over and moving away from everyone I love. Plenty of people do it, but plenty of people also do not.

I am getting ahead of myself though. Right now, I am fulfilling my dream of road tripping to Colorado, that is all. I want to be present, in this moment, not considering possibilities for the future. The future is unknown. The present is the only place anyone can truly live.

We arrived at our campsite, just twenty minutes outside of Mesa Verde. The gravel road led us to a plot of land surrounded by trees with a valley just beyond them and mountains hovering in the distance. The most interesting thing about this site, though, were the cows. There were dozens of them, grazing and walking around without any apparent home or owner. They walked through our campsite, acknowledging us with a few moos, and then continued their stroll. We didn’t see them for the rest of the night, but we have heard them calling to one another through the trees.

We showered in our bathing suits with a portable shower Joseph brought. I thought the water would feel refreshing after such a long, sweaty day. However, as soon as we were wet, the evening Colorado air blanketed us until we were shivering uncontrollably. We dressed into warm clothes as quickly as possible and set up camp. Just a few minutes later, we were warm once again and eating a satisfying dinner.

The sun disappeared behind the mountains, and the stars began to appear. Joseph and I sat outside our tent, mouths agape, staring at the heavens above. The stars in Maryland look nothing like the stars in Colorado. There wasn’t an inch of sky without one twinkling down at us. We gazed at the haze of the milky way that stretched across the black sky, and every so often, we caught a glimpse of a shooting star in the distance.

The stars weren’t possible to capture with a camera, but here is a picture of our view of the sunset at our campsite.

I can’t shake the feeling that this is where I belong. I can only imagine falling asleep under a sky like this every night, of feeling this close to nature, of feeling this rested inside. As the John Muir quote goes, “The mountains are calling, and I must go.” It’s the pull I felt my entire life. It’s the pull that brought me here, tonight, gazing up at this brilliant sky and wondering if Colorado actually is where I am supposed to find my meaning. Maybe there are people I am supposed to meet here and things I am supposed to do. Maybe this is where I belong.

It’s something I will have to think about, something I will have to consider in the back of my mind and ponder as we travel through Colorado for the next week. It’s something I will have to discuss with loved ones and honestly pray about. For now, I am just going to experience Colorado as if I am never coming back, and perhaps that will encourage this place to give me a reason to stay.

The mountains are calling, and I am here to answer them.

Travel

Colorado road trip: Day three

June 25, 2020 2 Comments

The first thing Joseph said to me on the morning of our third day road tripping was the last thing I would ever want to wake up to hearing.

“I didn’t want to wake you last night because I didn’t want to scare you,” Joseph said.

“Okay,” I said uneasily. “What is it?” He pulled out his phone, opened his photos app, and clicked on a video recording from last night. When he clicked play, the sounds of at least a dozen dogs barking filled the tent.

“They were everywhere,” Joseph said. “They were so loud they woke me up.”

“We had coyotes around our tent,” I exclaimed. Joseph laughed and nodded.

Despite that alarming start to our day, we and all of our belongings were fine. The two of us got ready and went for a 5K run to stretch our legs before sitting in the car all day. After the run, we jumped into the lake in our bathing suits to cool off and bathe for the first time on this trip. Despite the murky water and mud squishing between my toes, it was actually quite refreshing, and I felt surprisingly clean afterwards. We made some oatmeal for breakfast, and then we started driving to the destination we have been looking forward to: Colorado.

I dozed in the car as Joseph listened to a podcast about his enneagram. We stopped in an iHop parking lot so I could teach my yoga class.

As I was teaching, I watched Joseph with curiosity. He had the hood open and was moving about the car, seemingly hard at work. When I finished teaching, he excitedly showed me what he had been up to.

Do you remember that cigarette lighter we blew on the first day of our trip? We have been struggling to get enough power to charge any of our electronics since then. Today, Joseph had the brilliant idea of trying to fix the cigarette lighter himself, something I didn’t think could be done. He found a YouTube video about where to find the fuse box in his car, which had extra fuses for the cigarette lighter in it. Without any prior experience, he switched the fuse in the cigarette lighter and it worked! Now, we have enough power to charge everything we need for the rest of this trip.

Now, the main concern is the car brakes. We have been hearing a soft grinding noise in the back right tire, and when we looked at it today, we saw rust had covered about an inch of the rotor. After consulting some family and friends who are mechanics, we have decided to let it go for now, but if it gets worse, we will have to get it fixed during this trip.

The rest of the day was spent driving, driving, and driving some more. Kansas is beautiful, but the long flat roads surrounded by cornfields start to get old after a few hours.

We found some sunflowers (my favorite flower) on the side of the road. It was a nice break from the corn.

“How are we still in Kansas,” I asked in exasperation.

“This is how it is,” Joseph said jokingly. “You’re in Kansas for, like, eight days, and then you finally get to Colorado.”

We stopped at a gas station, where I filled our water bottles with a pump. The thing is, I have never used a water pump, so when I attempted it, the water sprayed all over me. Joseph, who was filling our tires with air, started laughing hysterically. But, honestly, after sitting in the hot car all day, it felt so refreshing. I would have sat under that spigot and just let the water run over me if it had been socially acceptable to do so. The heat was so oppressive today that by the time I finished filling the water bottles and returned to the car, my clothes were completely dry.

Two hours outside of Colorado, we decided to revisit the enneagram by listening to podcasts about each of our numbers. I insisted we listen to Joseph’s first.

But, as we got further into it, his comments began to rub me the wrong way. He would agree with it and point out things about himself, saying, “Yes, that’s what I need!” and “That is so me!” The comments themselves were fine – they are actually what is to be expected when someone is learning more about himself. But I felt like they were directed at me, as if I did not already know who he was. I felt like he was telling me what he needed because he felt I was not currently giving that to him, and that hurt me.

These feelings probably came up for me because this was not an isolated incident. Just the night before, Joseph told me that he felt like his love tank was not full. I was so surprised to hear that, considering we just got engaged a little over a week ago and we have been spending so much time together since then. His top love language is quality time, so it didn’t make sense why his love tank would not be full. Joseph’s secondary love language is physical touch, but I also felt like I had been loving him just as much as usual in this area as well. The two of us have agreed to wait until marriage to have sex, not necessarily because of religion, but because we want to learn all the other ways to love one another before having sex, because we know at that time, sex will most likely become the default way to show love. So, I can’t give him that, but that doesn’t mean I have not been able to show him love in other ways. And this pact is nothing new, so I was confused as to why, after over a year of dating, this was suddenly a problem. Joseph always told me I do a good job of loving him. Why would his love tank be decreasing after we got engaged and while we were on the trip of a lifetime?

I’m repping my “The Africa Doc” t-shirt today. To learn more about this amazing project by my friend, Mark Perry, visit http://theafricadoc.com/

I’m not sure how it came out. I don’t remember what was said or how it came up, but before I knew it, we were pulled over on a side dirt road, tears running down my face, and both of us yelling at each other. It felt like one of the worst fights we had ever had. Joseph didn’t understand why I wasn’t happy, why I wasn’t enjoying learning more about our personalities and how that manifests in our relationship, and he hated that I was hurt, but he didn’t know what he had done wrong. I was distraught that I had apparently not loved him well; I didn’t understand what I had done wrong, and I was hurt that my fiancé seemed to believe that I didn’t already know how to love him well. And, perhaps, I was hurt that maybe that was true. It had always been one of my main goals to make sure he felt loved, and to hear that I failed in that area was devastating to me.

We got back into the car and continued our drive, tense, exhausted and hurt. The last few days of sleep deprivation and being stuck in the car all day had taken its toll. We each spoke our minds, but neither of us seemed to have the energy to actually solve the problem. After a few minutes of just sitting in an exhausted and uncomfortable silence, I turned to him.

“Can we just get out of that place and start over from here,” I asked.

“Yes, please,” Joseph said. “I hate this. What is happening to us?”

“I don’t know,” I said. “I think we’re tired.”

“Yes, like I so want to talk to you about this, but I can’t even think through what you’re saying,” Joseph said.

“Same,” I agreed. “I don’t want to be mad at you.”

“I don’t want to be mad at you,” Joseph said. “This is awful.”

“Okay, we’ve both said our peace, right,” I asked.

“Yes.”

“So, let’s just start from here. If you don’t feel loved, for whatever reason, you have to tell me. And then we will work through it.”

“And if you don’t feel loved, you have to tell me,” Joseph said. I agreed, and we both took a deep breath.

“You want to finish listening to the podcast,” I asked.

“Yes, I do.” Joseph turned it back on, and we listened through the last fifteen minutes. When we finished, Joseph asked what I thought.

“It’s definitely you,” I said. “It makes a lot of sense. Especially the part about how you have to remind yourself to be a human ‘being,’ not a human ‘doing.’ I have literally heard you say that.”

“Yeah, there’s so many things that I heard that are things that I have said before, without even knowing that it was a part of my enneagram,” Joseph said. “And that whole part about just wanting affirmation. That’s all I want from people – to know that I did a good job.” I paused for a moment, studying him.

“Joseph, did I thank you enough for our engagement,” I asked. “I mean, did I let you know how much it meant to me?”

“Yeah, I mean, I put a lot of work into it, but you did tell me,” he said. “But, then, I put a lot of work into this trip, too. And I just don’t feel like you noticed.”

“I didn’t realize you needed to hear that,” I said. “Of course I noticed! You put so much work into this trip. But, so did I, and I didn’t expect you to thank me for it. We did it together.” I paused, thinking. “Are you sure your top love language isn’t words of affirmation?” Joseph stared at me.

“Maybe,” he said slowly.

“I mean, you told me your love tank wasn’t full, but we have spent every moment together. And we have had just as much physical touch as we always do. But, I didn’t affirm you about how amazing your proposal was and how well you did at planning this trip, and suddenly your love tank isn’t full.” We were silent for a moment, thinking.

“Let’s try something,” I said. I grabbed his hand, gave it a squeeze and a long, tender kiss. Then, I looked deep into his eyes and said, “Joseph, thank you so much for your proposal. It was the proposal of my dreams. I could not have asked for more. It was so amazing, I couldn’t even believe it was for me. You love me so well. And thank you for how much thought and preparation you put into this trip. I was so nervous, but you put in so much work to make me feel comfortable and I really appreciate it.”

“Thank you,” Joseph said sincerely, and I could see his eyes filled with what almost looked like relief.

“Which thing meant more to you,” I asked.

“Which what?”

“Did you even notice that I did two different things,” I asked. Joseph stared at me. “I grabbed your hand and kissed it, and then I affirmed you.”

“I didn’t even think about you holding my hand,” Joseph said, surprised. “What you said meant everything to me. That filled my cup.”

I always thought it was strange that Joseph didn’t have words of affirmation as his top love language. He has always said that what makes him feel loved is when I listen to him and make him feel seen and heard, yet he has always insisted that his love languages were quality time and physical touch.

Everyone seems to think that when two people get engaged, their relationship is supposed to be perfect, full of smiles and laughter. And it is, but it’s also filled with struggle, hurt, and difficult conversations. The point is that we know we want to spend the rest of our lives together, despite those challenging times. And today’s fight was actually super important for our relationship. We learned how I could better love Joseph, and when Joseph feels loved, it better enables him to love me well. When we were fighting, it felt like something broke between us, and maybe it did. But, an hour later, it was mended stronger than it was before.

There is no doubt that there will be many more fights, even worse than today’s argument. But I have no doubt that I want to marry this man, because I know we are both dedicated to working through it and learning how to love each other better. That’s why I said “yes” when he asked me to marry him – not because we are perfect, but because we both recognize we aren’t and that actually makes us stronger.

I would love to say that the rest of the drive was without any more challenges, but that is not the case. As we drove down the scenic highway, gazing out at the mountains in the distance, both of our cups were filled. Our only annoyance were the mosquitos buzzing around our heads. We slapped at them, hitting the car windows and doors and missing nearly every time. I missed one, and it flew over to Joseph’s side and landed on the windshield. Joseph formed a fist and hit the glass.

The crack shocked us both. We stared, mouths agape, as it spiderwebbed across the glass. For a moment, we were both still. The mosquito flew away between us, triumphant. Joseph and I looked at each other, and then we both burst into incredulous laughter. I suppose we will have to get that fixed soon, too.

We drove into Blanca, Colorado, and made it to our campsite. The road, however, was far too rough for our car, and the campsite was crowded with people, so we turned around and drove to our back-up choice. By this point, it was late and we were both exhausted. We had not eaten in eight hours, our bodies ached, and we were ready to go to bed. But when we finally made it down the dirt road, the sign read “Camping prohibited.” Discouraged and weary, we drove back into town, searching for an empty parking lot where we could just sleep in the car. By the time we found a spot, it was far too late to make dinner. We each had a small snack and climbed into the back of the car, and passed out, emotionally and physically exhausted.

But we made it. After three long days, we have arrived in Colorado.

Travel

Colorado road trip: Day two

June 24, 2020 2 Comments

Let me just begin by saying that the backs of car seats do not make good beds. My body ached all through the night. The sunrise came far too early. I opened my bleary eyes when my alarm went off, wondering where the night had gone.

Our first challenge this morning was finding a bathroom. Because of COVID-19, a lot of stores are opening later than usual. Luckily, we found a Kroger just a few minutes away. While I was in the bathroom, Joseph cleaned up the car. We got hot water from the Starbucks inside the store for tea and instant oatmeal, and then we were off on our journey.

We drove the first four hours without stopping. We chatted and listened to music, revisiting our playlists from yesterday. The first state line we crossed today was Missouri. From a distance, we marveled at St. Louis and the grand arch. We are planning on visiting St. Louis at the end of this trip on our way back to Maryland.

We stopped just 30 minutes farther down the road because we were in desperate need of coffee and that’s where the closest Dunkin’ was. We sat on a parking lot curb again today for lunch, eating sandwiches and baby carrots. After our meal, we decided to take a walk to stretch our legs before getting back on the road.

We walked first to the obvious main attraction, a grandiose casino just down the road. When we got there, we walked down the stairs of the parking garage to find an older, abandoned floor with graffiti-covered walls and mounds of dirt caked onto the floor. It was odd to see the stark contrast from the richness just above our heads. It seemed like we had stepped into a city out of a science fiction novel, and we had traveled from where the rich lived up ahead to where the less fortunate lived down below.

We wandered out of the garage and stumbled upon a biking trail with train tracks running alongside it. With the shade from the trees protecting us from the Missouri summer heat, we continued our stroll to find a county fair set up in a parking lot.

I absolutely love the county fair. There is just an air of excitement to it that can’t compare to anything else. Fairs are filled with local treasures, games almost no one ever wins (but I try anyway), and fun rides that are practically designed to make people throw up all of the delicious food they ate.

But I discovered today that the magic of county fairs disappears when they aren’t filled with people. Joseph and I gazed out at barren food stands and empty rides, feeling as though we were looking at a ghost town. It was creepy and unnerving, like something out of a horror film. What reminded me that it was reality were the signs on the pavement instructing people on how to properly social distance when the fair does open.

“Social distancing,” Joseph began thoughtfully. “How bad do you think the PTSD of this generation is going to be?”

“I don’t know,” I replied. “Kids are suddenly not able to see their grandparents. They can’t hug their friends. Everyone is wearing masks. That’s pretty scary.”

“We are living in crazy times,” Joseph said.

That we are. But the thing is, when has life ever been normal? People attach the word “new” to “normal” to try to make sense of the new situation we are in, but the truth is, “normal” is never a real state of being. I was terrified when the coronavirus began, scared to step foot out of my house. As the months have drawn on, that fear has not dissipated, but I have realized that I can’t stay in my house, petrified of the world around me. Caution is important; our actions should not place ourselves or anyone else in harm’s way. But we can’t wait to live until things are “back to normal.” No one and no thing is normal. And that’s okay, because it’s not the normalcy of a situation that gives us comfort. Normalcy is something we can’t ever truly rely on, as proven by the novel coronavirus. So, how could it possibly bring us peace of mind when it can so easily be taken away? What will truly bring us solace in times like this, and really any time in our lives, is our adaptability and willingness to change. The “new normal” is here; it’s just what we call “normal” now. For me, what is most important now is discovering how I can best love those around me in these new circumstances.

We returned to our car, eager to get back on the road. We briefly visiting Kansas City, but on our way there, we were stopped in standstill traffic for an hour, which delayed us enough to decide to just head on to our campsite instead. To pass the time, we spent a few hours exploring the enneagram.

The enneagram is a personality test with nine different personality types. According to the Enneagram Institute’s website, it’s normal to find something in common with all of the personality types, but people tend to have one dominant personality and one complementary or contradictory personality, called the wing. Joseph and I have both taken the enneagram assessment in the past, and we both tested as twos. However, Joseph recently began to think that maybe he got the wrong results.

It’s already a chore to take a long personality test once. Neither of us wanted to take it a second time. Besides, after knowing what we tested as, we thought it might be difficult not to subconsciously have that knowledge influence our answers the second time we took the test.

Instead, we made a fun activity out of trying to discover our enneagram ourselves. After reading brief descriptions of each of the nine personalities, we listened to the corresponding song from the album Atlas: Enneagram by Sleeping At Last to see if we connected with the music and lyrics.

It was actually a pretty effective test. Sleeping At Last did an amazing job of adjusting their musical style to fit what I would imagine the different personalities would be most attracted to, and the lyrics were so incredibly empathetic to the way each personality thinks. I felt like, if nothing else, my empathy and understanding for all the other personalities increased.

I connected with the same song as I tested: two. Joseph, however, best connected with the three personality, and when we read the description, it fit him perfectly. The funny thing is that each of our wing (complementary) personalities is each other’s: Joseph’s wing personality is a two and mine is a three. So, even though we are not the same personality like we once thought, we understand each other well.

We are staying in Kansas tonight. Our campsite is a beautiful spot of land adjacent to a quiet lake. When we arrived, Joseph started on dinner while I set up the tent. We had turkey burgers and salad for dinner again, but tonight, Joseph got the burgers so hot that the cheese melted on top.

As the sun set, the trees became silhouettes against the purple clouds floating in the pink and orange streaked sky. As people packed up their fishing gear and left, the lake became as smooth as a mirror. Joseph and I strolled around the lake, listening to the sounds of the crickets as the lightning bugs danced around us. As the world darkened, we gazed up at bright crescent moon. The sky stretched on forever, cluttered with the brilliance of billions of dazzling stars.

We are so small in this world, in this galaxy, in this universe. Under a sky like that, I couldn’t help but feel just how insignificant I am in the grand scheme of life.

But, as just a small bit of the universe, that also makes me a part in the most significant thing we know. Just as there are trillions of stars above my head, there are trillions of cells within me. Every day, new cells and stars are created, and every day, cells and stars die. Scientists still cannot fathom the complexities of the cosmic universe, but inside me, and inside every person, is a complex universe of our own, filled with mystery and beauty too wondrous to comprehend.

Though we may be small, we are anything but insignificant. We are a beautiful work of art, a masterful creation, designed with purpose.

When we arrived back at our campsite, we had dessert: the Rice Krispies treats I made before this trip. And then, with our stomachs full and dessert cravings satisfied, we climbed into our sleeping bags for some much needed rest.

Lifestyle, My Life

My life soundtrack

June 23, 2020 No Comments

“Sometimes, I wish you’d pay more attention to my favorite songs because the lyrics sing words I’m too scared to say.” -unknown

When I was a teenager, this was one of my favorite quotes. I used to think about it as I listened to music with deep lyrics, feeling like no one understood.

Since then, I have learned that I am not, in fact, alone, and that I do not have to rely on artists and their creative works to express my feelings. I have a voice of my own.

However, I still love the idea that music speaks deeper into the soul than words do alone. I think that’s true. There’s something about the swell of instruments behind the perfect, poetic lyrics that have the ability to move people to tears or to dance.

Music has always been a big part of my life. I have pictures of me with an instrument in my hands before I could walk. Music is a gene that runs in my family the way blue eyes or crooked toes pass through the generations in others.

When Joseph and I first met, we realized we had a lot of similarities, including a shared love of music. We are both pianists, and we have similar tastes in the music we listen to. It may seem silly to some, but for both of us, enjoying the same type of music was a requirement of the person we dated. Music is such a big part of both of our lives, neither of us could imagine being in a relationship with someone who didn’t like the same music we did.

Joseph and I spent almost the entirety of our second date driving around in his car, talking and listening to music. This also happened to be the date that I fell head over heels for him.

Since that date, we have continued to listen to, share, and create music together. Joseph created a playlist for us in the second month of our relationship, and we have been curating it ever since. And since the very first time we listened to music together, I can always expect when I hop into Joseph’s car that he will have a new song to share with me.

So, it is only fitting that on the first day of our Colorado road trip, I found the perfect driving activity for us on Pinterest: A guide for making a soundtrack playlist for our lives. We had so much fun choosing meaningful songs, ordering them according to our life story, and sharing the playlists with one another.

While listening to our playlists, I was brought back to that quote from my teenage years. The lyrics in those songs, placed in a particular order, did a better job of telling my life story than I could ever write. I felt like anyone who listened to that playlist would be able to get to know so much about me in just a little over an hour. Music has a way of capturing and sharing the human soul in such a powerful way, and that playlist had the whisperings of my soul written all over it.

So, without further ado, here is my playlist, and my reasons for choosing each song. I hope you enjoy listening, and if you have the chance, please create your own “life soundtrack” and leave the song names or link in the comments. I would love the chance to listen and get to know you a little better, too.

Opening credits – I Love Me by Demi Lovato (E)

When this song came out, I felt like the lyrics spoke directly into my heart. It’s such a perfect way to describe the internal struggle I have felt all of my life. I am a perfectionist, and I always find myself striving to be better. Honestly, most of the time, I just want to feel “good enough.” In the last year, I have learned how important it is to love myself – I need to love myself in order to love anyone else well. It’s been a journey getting to this point, and I think it is something I will continue to struggle with for the rest of my life. But I think the continued struggle and growth in this area of my life makes this the perfect opening song for my “soundtrack.” Plus, it’s upbeat, powerful melody makes it a great song to start off a movie and accompany the opening credits.

Campus Crusade for Christ retreat – I am created with a purpose

Waking up – Don’t Stop Me Now by Queen

I actually have gotten ready to this song…many, many times. It gets me moving and motivated for my day. I can just see the movie montage of my early morning routine playing along with this song.

Break up – The Breakup Song by Francesca Battistelli

I’m going out of order now, but I wanted to arrange the songs toreflect my life. My last big relationship ended before I went to college. However, this song speaks to more than just that relationship. The other thing I had to break up with before leaving for school was the actual subject of this song: Fear. I had always been naturally academic, but my health declined so sharply my junior year of high school that I had to leave. My senior year, I never stepped foot in my high school; instead, I took classes at the local college so I could schedule them around the times of day that I felt my worst. The idea of leaving home and going to a university after graduation, something I had always been excited about, started to terrify me. I didn’t know how I was going to manage the stress of school, a job, and taking care of my health. But, as Ellen Johnson Sirleaf said, “If your dreams do not scare you, they are not big enough.” So, I enrolled at Stevenson University, put my faith in God, and left the life I knew to pursue my dream. I have never regretted that decision.

First day of school – Whatever It Takes by Imagine Dragons

Like I mentioned, starting college was a big step and took a lot of perseverance. I think this song perfectly captures, not just the first day of school, but every day after that. I was doing whatever it took to graduate. And while my focus was spent on that, I lost myself a bit, which leads into the next song.

Fight song – Even If by MercyMe

When I was making my playlist, I didn’t even think twice in choosing my fight song. It was only when Joseph mentioned his choice (the much more upbeat Immigrant Song by Led Zeppelin) that I realized the prompt probably meant a song that makes you move, not an introspective song. But, for me, that battle has always been internal. After being diagnosed with so many different chronic illnesses, my faith in God began to waiver. I didn’t understand why such a heavy burden had been placed on my life. God’s answer to me came in a song. Even If by MercyMe tackles the difficult topic of keeping faith even in the midst of the struggle, especially when that struggle doesn’t have an end date. It’s a moving piece that has always brought me tears and emboldened me to take on any challenge that comes my way. My faith, no matter what happens, is in God and his unfailing love.

Graduation – New Start by Weary Friend

I feel like this song beautifully captured how it felt when I graduated. I didn’t have much of a direction in mind. My first plan was to spend the summer running across the country as part of the Ulman Foundation’s 4K for Cancer program. Because of this commitment, I had not been able to line up a job yet, so I couldn’t envision much of the future beyond the summer season. But, for some reason, this didn’t really bother me. I trusted that everything was going to work out for the best, and I threw myself entirely into whatever the next adventure was going to be.

Falling in love – Could I Love You Any More? by Reneé Dominique ft. Jason Mraz

Just before graduating, I met the love my life. A little over a month into our relationship, he surprised me during a hike with his speaker and our first dance. This was the song he chose. I never could have picked a better song for us. Every day of our relationship, I have felt like I could not possibly love him any more than I already do, and yet, every day, I love him more than the last

Mental breakdown – In My Blood by Shawn Mendes

My health failed me again, the career opportunities did not pan out as expected, and some difficult circumstances had stripped me of my self-confidence. And I felt like it was all my fault. This was the song I listened to, the volume cranked up as far as it would go on my headphones, wondering where it had all gone wrong.

Flashback – Yellow by Coldplay

Joseph was the person who pulled me out of that dark place. He gave me the support and love I needed, and he reminded me of my faith in God. As we talked one day, this song started to play. It’s the earliest song I can remember listening to on repeat. When I was young, all I knew was that yellow was my favorite color, so I loved the song. As I grew older, I fell in love with the lyrics, and I dreamed of a man one day playing this song for me. Joseph fulfilled that dream, and he far surpassed so many others.

Job/Career – If I was by Susto

I started to grow my holistic health business, Evolve, while continuing to pursue my freelance writing career. The common strain between both of these jobs, and everything I have ever done, is that I just want to help people and love them well. I feel this song captures that sentiment in such a poetic way.

Wedding – At Last by Etta James

Now, we are looking into the future, because these moments have not yet occurred. But I picked the songs I thought were most appropriate. For my wedding, I chose this song, because Joseph and I both love of jazz music, and we plan on playing ‘40s music at our wedding. This song particularly captures that feeling of comfort and contentment when you know you have found the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with.

Birth of a child – Never Grow Up by Taylor Swift

Life is beautiful, but it is full of pain. I know when I have a child, I am going to want to shelter him or her from all of that, even though I can’t. This song, with instrumentals reminiscent of a lullaby, is that hopeful message of a mother to her child.

Life – Fix You by Coldplay

This is my “trailer song.” I always imagined that if my life were made into a movie, this would be the song during the trailer. I have always loved this song. It’s comforting yet honest. Life is hard; but together, we can mend our broken parts.

With my family at my grandmother’s
celebration of life

Being an old hag – Dream by Priscilla Ahn

I really hope that I never become so ornery and impatient that people describe me as a “hag,” so I chose instead to find a song that is how I hope to feel when reflecting back on life in my old age. I feel like this song describes me perfectly as a child, and then as a teenager and young adult. So, hopefully, one day it will describe me in my old age as well.

Death – Stuff We Did by Michael Giacchino

On my third date with Joseph, we went for a ten-mile hike, but I’m not sure if it was actually supposed to be that long. We got lost in the woods for a while. When we broke through the trees, Joseph called out, “Adventure is out there!” With my thumb stuck up, I responded, “Adventure is out there.” He loved that I got the reference, and we discovered then our mutual love for Disney’s and Pixar’s “Up.” “Adventure is out there” has become the tagline of our relationship. So, for my death, I couldn’t think of a better song than that poignantly beautiful piano melody that plays when the main character, Carl Fredricksen, looks back over the pictures of his life with Ellie, his recently deceased wife. It’s a bittersweet moment, one that makes my eyes well up with tears every time I watch it. I hope that, when I die, it’s the good memories that are focused on, rather than the pain of departure from this life.

Dancing with Joseph to our song, just before he proposed

Funeral – To Build a Home by The Cinematic Orchestra and Patrick Watson

There is so much that we will build together in life, but one day, it will turn to dust. At that time, let’s not focus on what we have lost, but on the joy of the journey we took together. Life, and what we create in it, is finite, but love and its power is eternal.

Ending Credits Song One – Three Little Birds by Branches

The first time I heard this song, I thought it should be a part of a movie soundtrack. It’s a cover of the song by Bob Marley, but it is so very different from the original version. Instead of an upbeat, fun tune, it’s powerful and touching. The message, however, remains the same: Everything is going to be alright. I cannot think of a better ending to my story.

Ending Credits Song Two – Somewhere In Between by August Wilhelmsson

Ending credits in movies normally have two songs, one with lyrics and one without, so I thought it only appropriate that I do the same for my movie. This is a song I have often played during my meditations. It reminds me of just how small I am in this universe, but how very precious my life still is. This song makes me stop and notice the beauty of the world around me. It’s the song that makes me pause and just be for a moment. At the end of my movie, that is what I would hope the viewer would do, too. Pause for a moment. Breathe. Feel your heart beating within in your chest. Recognize the fragility of life, and consider, not how that truth limits our experience on earth, but how it makes it more precious. Let gratitude fill your soul. And just be.

P.S. I also wanted to include the link to Joseph’s playlist. He has amazing taste in music (I often believe it’s better than mine, but don’t tell him that), and his playlist beautifully captures his life and who he is.

Opening credits – Morning Sun by Melody Gardot

Waking up – Breathe (In the Air) by Pink Floyd

First day of school – Thus Little Light of Mine by Rend Collective

Break Up – Moving on and Getting Over by John Mayer

Fight song – Immigrant Song by Led Zeppelin

Mental breakdown – 1-800-273-8255 by Logic

Falling in Love – Could I Love You Any More? by Reneé Dominique ft. Jason Mraz

Graduation – It’s been a long, long time by Harry James

Wedding – No Matter Where You Are (Wedding Version) by Us the Duo

Career/Job – You Do You by Jason Mraz ft. Tiffany Haddish

Birth of a child – It’s You I Like by Ellie Schmidly

Life – Living of Love by The Avett Brothers

Flashback – A Little Bit of Everything by Dawes

Being an old hag – Retired by Carl Broemel

Death – No Hard Feelings by The Avett Brothers

Funeral – On the Nature of Daylight by Max Richter

End Credits song one – Sweet Dreams by Roy Buchanan

End credits song two – Smile by Nat King Cole

Travel

Colorado, baby!

June 23, 2020 2 Comments

Since the first date with Joseph, my new fiancé, we have talked about our shared dream of going to Colorado.

At the first mention, he had been there before, first for a skiing trip and then once more driving through the state on a road trip. I had not yet had the chance of visiting, but I had always dreamed of going. That following summer, on a cross country running journey, I found myself falling in love with the majestic mountain ranges. Strolling through Denver, I knew this needed to be a place I returned to one day. I had no way of knowing it would be so soon.

During our impromptu staycation last week, Joseph proposed to me that we take a road trip to Colorado. It was just a musing at first, but then, we both grew more serious about the idea. Because of the novel coronavirus, neither of us are working our regular jobs right now, and his graduate school classes don’t start for another month. When again would we have a chance like this?

I agreed, not knowing that Joseph had even more in mind for this trip. On the last day of our staycation, he bent down on one knee and asked me to marry him. Our Colorado trip suddenly became not just a summer road trip, but the celebration of our engagement.

Photo by Jon Mauler – check out more of his amazing photography and videography on his Instagram at https://instagram.com/jonmauler?igshid=1qcaup49os6gk

We had a week to plan, which was not much considering we had to pack all of our food (I am currently on a very strict diet for my health, so fast food is, unfortunately, not an option), and we wanted to stay within a tight budget.

Despite this, everything came together this morning. With the car packed full with food, sleeping bags, extra blankets, clothes, and our tent, we bid my parents farewell and embarked on our first long driving day just shortly after sunrise.

The first few hours driving into Western Maryland were reminiscent of the road trip we had taken during our staycation just last week, the day Joseph had proposed the Colorado road trip idea. When we crossed the border into West Virginia, what we were doing became real to both us, and our excitement only grew.

We stopped in a Panera parking lot at lunch so I could have reliable wifi for a video call for work. We sat on the curb eating sandwiches and making bitter instant coffee that neither of us wanted to drink.

That’s when the first misadventure happened. The power box we bought blew the circuit in the cigarette lighter, so we were stuck figuring out how we were going to charge my laptop during this trip. We scanned desperately through Amazon, but found that most of the chargers we needed to replace it (if we could even get them), would be a hundred dollars at the least.

Without much hope, we stopped by a Walmart nearby. We perused the laptop section without any luck. As a last effort, we went to the automotive section, where we found a USB-A to USB-C lightning cable for three dollars! We eagerly ran back to the car to test it out, and to our delight, it worked. Crisis number one was successfully averted.

We continued our drive through West Virginia, marveling at the scenery and listening to music. I found a Pinterest steal this morning about making a playlist to create a soundtrack for your life, and we both had fun picking songs for that and sharing our selections with one another.

Kentucky was our final destination for today’s travels. We stopped in a Cabela’s parking lot, our “campsite” for the night, just as it was starting to drizzle. Fighting against time, we rushed to light our portable grill and heat up our turkey burgers for dinner. We jumped in the car just as the rain was starting to pour. The burgers weren’t quite warm; unfortunately, they were about the same temperature as the salad we ate it with (which was also not at its ideal temperature after sitting in the cooler all day). But after such a long day, it felt like a five-star meal.

We’re in the car now, the seats pushed down into the floor and our sleeping bags laid out on top for a bit of cushioning. It’s hot and humid, but Joseph had the genius idea of securing a tarp to the side of the car so we could roll down a window. Now, there’s at least a cool breeze blanketing us. The sound of the rain pattering against the car windows is going to be a soothing lullaby for our first night on the road. Honestly, after sixteen hours of being on-the-go, I don’t think anything could keep me awake at this point.

Evolve, Health

Find your balance

June 22, 2020 1 Comment

It’s not about being thin. It’s not about the before and after photos. It’s not about the muscle definition, the mile time, or the amount of weight lifted.

It’s about finding balance. It’s about loving yourself. It’s about evolving into the healthiest version of you.

For me, it’s been a long journey, and it’s not even close to being over. I started out overweight and riddled with pain from fibromyalgia. I was inactive, and my diet consisted of mostly processed foods. But most importantly, I despised myself. Physically, mentally and spiritually, I was at my lowest.

When I started trying to get active, the first type of exercise I tried was yoga. It was a low-impact way to stretch my muscles and show my body some love.

But then, my exercise grew more intense. And as it did, the amount I was eating continued to decrease. I found myself growing weaker and weaker, until I was only a shell of the person I had been.

There has to be a balance. You have to feed yourself, physically, mentally and spiritually, to be healthy. That means eating the things that make your body happy and that also bring you joy. It means moving in ways that show your body the love it deserves. It means filling your soul and mind with inspiring, positive messages that fill you in ways that food cannot.

It’s not easy. It’s something we all constantly have to work on. But perhaps I can help you get started.

Check out my Evolve social media for some inspiration, recipes and exercises to get you started. If you have any questions, send me a direct message on any of my social media accounts or comment below. I would love to talk with you more.

Instagram – https://www.instagram.com/tylerdidraevolve/

Facebook – https://www.facebook.com/tylerdidraevolve/

Twitter – https://twitter.com/tdidraevolve

Travel

Fall Day

June 21, 2020 1 Comment

I would love to say that I visited the farm on a cool, crisp, windy day, with colorful leaves blowing past my face and the smell of pumpkin spice hanging in the air, but my visit to Spider Hall Farms was far from the quintessential autumn day. It was hot and humid October day in Southern Maryland, a place where the weather is always unpredictable. One day, you will be bundled up in sweaters, scarves and hats and still shivering; the next, you will be sweating in a tank top and shorts, staring at all the fallen leaves around you and wondering what went wrong.

This was one of those days. With my family in tow, I walked through the freshly shaven grass to Spider Hall Farms, a place from my childhood, and a place where I was hoping to relive some lost memories. As a senior in college, I am about to embark upon a new stage in my life with an ending I cannot predict. This uncertainty made me feel that the sense of home I had always found comfort in to be fading away.

Spider Hall Farms, so named because of the “spider hall” that used to form over the dirt lane leading to it, is a family-owned business run by seventh-generation farmers. David and Susan Cox bought the tobacco farm when their children expressed an interest in reviving the family tradition that had ended with their parents. Now, they, their children, and their grandchildren help work on the land.

We stopped first at the petting zoo, where we were not greeted by the fall smell of pumpkin spice, but were treated to another odor I would have rather left undiscovered. Nevertheless, the animals were adorable. The braying goats stuck their heads through the slats of wood of their pen to nibble, because, as always, the grass is greener on the other side. My brother called me over to pet the fur of the llama, which was softer than anything I had ever pet.

The only concerning sight was the turtle, who was trying desperately to escape his tiny, bucket prison, tears leaking from his eyes over his hot, scaly skin.

“Is he okay to be in there like that,” my mother asked the nearby attendant, a brunette girl who looked young enough to still be in high school. “He looks like he needs water.” The attendant replied that he was fine. My mother’s expression was doubtful, so the attendant explained the turtle was from the desert, and he was desperate to get out to roam around and play, not because he was too hot.

From the petting zoo, we watched the children play in the educational exhibits, where they learned about life on the farm. I was amazed to find myself having to stoop into the playhouses that once towered over me and kept me entertained for hours. Finding only a bittersweet feeling, I left the enclosure and followed my family to the blissfully cool farm store. By now, sweat was pouring down our reddened faces, and we were ready for some refreshments before we visited the main attractions: the corn maze.

Looking around the store, I was reminded of the old Mom and Pop’s stores that used to fill Southern Maryland before it was built into the bustling counties that have taken over today. Glass canning jars lined the shelves, filled with jellies, jams, salsas and pickles. Bushels of apples from Baugher’s Orchard, a farm upstate, sat on the ground. Local artists had hung their artwork on the walls to be sold, and beside this stood fridges and freezers filled with farm fresh milk, cheese, ice cream, yogurt and beef. On the counter, fresh baked pastries filled with pumpkin and apple tempted our appetites, while individually wrapped caramels beckoned from the register.

We decided upon some honeycrisp apples and cranberry orange jack cheese with chocolate milk (“From the brown cows,” I joked). We sat outside the store in rocking chairs as if we were sitting on grandmother’s porch. The sweet apples paired excellently with the sharpness of the jack cheese, which could have been a meal on its own. With hints of tangy orange zest and sweet bursts of cranberry, it had the tastes of an elegant wintry cheese platter in every single bite.

The hayride was next. The prickly, golden stalks poked at our bare legs; hayrides should only be ridden in weather cool enough to wear slacks and flannel. At the corn maze, we were warned the path was particularly difficult this year. Upon learning this, my mother immediately sought out a map.

“A map!” Jake, my brother, exclaimed. “You can’t do a corn maze with a map. That takes all the fun out of it.”

“We don’t have to use it,” Mom said. “It’s for if we get lost.”

“That’s part of the fun,” said Jess, Jake’s girlfriend.

“We don’t need a map,” Jake said firmly, grabbing Jess’s hand. “We’ll do it without one, and we will still beat you.”

And so the race began. I, fumbling along with a badly sprained ankle, was stuck with the slower pair of my parents, who insisted on following the map, while Jake and Jess ran ahead, hand-in-hand, Jake playing the part of the brave guide in the wilderness, and Jess as the damsel by his side.

Oh, to be young and in love.

The corn stalks towered above our heads. From inside the maze, with the rest of the world hidden from view, I found myself remembering a similar experience. The maze had seemed just as confusing and foreboding then, filled with winding bends and a writhing path that left the mind boggled. Then, too, I had followed my mother’s safe form as my brother ran ahead, always the most daring of the group. It occurred to me then that childhood memories were not the moments I should be chasing. As my brother journeyed ahead with a youthful spirit and curiosity, I realized that life, too, is not something to be scared of, but to be daringly explored. Life is an adventure. Like the maze I was trapped in then, it is filled with twists and turns that can send you down unruly and sometimes erroneous paths, but what matters most is knowing the people I love will always be there to help me find my way back home.

Lifestyle, My Life

Hello world! This is my story

June 20, 2020 3 Comments

I’m so glad you decided to drop by.

My name is Tyler, and this is my first blog post. For most of my posts, I plan on writing about things actually happening in my life, or about topics that I find interesting (and I think you will, too!). But, I thought I would use this opportunity to tell you a little bit about myself.

I grew up in southern Maryland, and I have been a writer for as long as I can remember. I wrote my first short story when I was four years old about the ants that had trespassed into my house, and I have been writing stories ever since.

For most of my life, fiction was my main form of writing. I loved using my imagination and escaping into the worlds I created. My characters were almost as important to me as the real people I knew in my life.

When I started college, everyone expected me to be an English major. But I went for communications instead. It was the “smart” choice, because it gave me to opportunity to fall back on a degree that offered plenty of career opportunities should the “writing thing” not pan out.

I still wanted to focus my elective choices on my true passion. Creative fiction writing was no longer an option, but journalism seemed like a good idea. It was still telling stories, but now my subjects were real people.

Induction ceremony into Alpha Chi my junior year of college

I fell in love with journalism. I loved the opportunity to give someone the spotlight and make them feel special.

The thing about journalism, though, is it’s normally pretty cut and dry. The inverted pyramid style taught by my professors always felt so confining and suffocating. They wanted to know what happened, and when and how it occurred. I just wanted to describe my real living character and tell their story.

So, I took the skills I learned in my journalism classes, and I moved on to creative nonfiction. In these classes, with magazine writing style format, I was given the opportunity to expand my typical 400-word news stories to 2,000-word expositions. For the girl who once couldn’t keep her middle school assignments under 10 pages, this increased word count was surprisingly freeing. I had learned from journalism how to strip a story down to its bare bones; now I had the opportunity to expand on only the most important details (and the knowledge to know what those details were).

During all this time, however, I don’t think I ever truly found my voice. In all the stories I had ever told, I had neglected one very important one: my own.

When my professor said we had to write memoirs for our class, I was distraught. I didn’t believe that I had a story to tell. Which is funny because I had anything but the conventional childhood.

I have suffered from chronic illness since the age of 10, when I was diagnosed with Lyme disease. Twelve diagnoses and over a decade later, I am no stranger to pain, to overcoming challenges, to perseverance, three things that can make a great story.

Induction ceremony into Delta Alpha Pi (academic honor society for high-achieving students with disabilities) with my good friend Caitlin

The trouble is, what really makes a good story is being able to connect with the reader. While my story was one full of plot possibilities, I didn’t believe it was one anyone would want to read.

My professor told us to choose any topic, and that she would be the only one to read it. Even with that information, I did not want to tell any story that was painful to write. However, after weeks of brainstorming, I couldn’t get one particular story out of my mind. It wasn’t one I wanted to share, but after years of denying this particular moment, it was time to face it.

When I handed in the memoir about my hospitalization for anorexia to my professor, I was visibly shaking. I felt raw and exposed. I was convinced it wasn’t the story anyone wanted.

I had always gotten high marks on my papers. But when my professor handed my memoir back, it was the first time anyone had asked me for more. She asked me to let my peers read it. Nervously, I handed it to one of my classmates. Once again, I waited with bated breath, hating myself for sharing something so personal. But when she returned to me, tears brimming in her eyes, she thanked me for telling the story she had been too scared to share herself.

It was then that I learned that not only do I have a story to share, but it’s one that actually touches people. It’s one that can comfort and encourage, one that can facilitate connection and possibly inspire others’ creativity.

Since a young age, I have always wanted to help other people. But it took me nearly two decades to discover that my way of doing that was the thing I have always been most passionate about: writing.

So, this is my blog, and on it, I plan to share my story, and also some other things that I have grown passionate about over the years. I am going to talk about the travels I have taken, and the adventures I am still going on, because I have found that the best way to learn more is to go places you have never been. I am going to share about ways I have found to find balance in my life, mentally, physically and spiritually, because dealing with chronic health has taught me that self-care is one of the most important ways to care for yourself and others. And most importantly, I am going to talk about the people in my life: those who have inspired me, those who have made me who I am, and those who I am growing with.

I hope this is a place where you can find inspiration, illumination and comfort. I hope it’s a place where you can read something authentic, and then know that it’s okay for you to be yourself, too. And most importantly, I hope it inspires you to tell your story, in whatever way feels most natural to you. Create art, write poetry, talk to people, volunteer…whatever makes you feel most alive. And when you do, please leave a comment and tell me about it – I would love to hear your story, too.

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