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Today is a day dedicated to showing love to one another. It’s supposed to be a day filled with generosity & endearment for others. And for some, it still is, but for others, this is the holiday they hate the most.
I remember being single & feeling lonely on Valentine’s Day. It’s never fun to celebrate any holiday alone, but a holiday framed around celebrating a significant other has to be the most challenging. As picturesque photos of loved ones cuddling together fill our social media feeds, it’s understandable why some people would feel even more isolated & dejected.
But here’s the interesting thing to me: Those photos clouding our social media don’t tell the full story. They are full of smiling, blissful couples who look like they have the perfect relationship. However, we all know that no one has the “perfect” relationship – they are always fraught with difficulties.
Does this mean couples shouldn’t post about their significant other & share their love? Absolutely not! There is nothing wrong with celebrating a joyous thing, & being in a relationship can be one of life’s joys. In fact, you can probably expect to see a photo from me today honoring the love of my life, & why wouldn’t I? I do adore him, & I want to celebrate that.
But, there is a problem when anyone looking at these photos thinks these pictures tell the whole story. The truth is, there are hardships & joys, lessons to be learned & things to be celebrated, both when someone is single & in a relationship. And Valentine’s Day should be a day to celebrate both of these stages of life with a giving & loving spirit.
That is why Joseph & I set out on a bitterly cold February morning to spread a little positivity for Valentine’s Day. Earlier in the week, I bought heart-shaped boxes of chocolates & Starbucks gift cards, & I spent an entire evening making little valentines to go with them. Our goal was to give with the generous spirit we believe Valentine’s Day should always embody, & to learn people’s answers to one question: “What is one thing you learned, either while being single or in a relationship?”
We met with people young & old from all different walks of life, & the answers we got were fantastic. Being single gives you more freedom to do the things you want to do. Loving yourself is the most important thing, both when you’re single & when you’re in a relationship. Compromise & communication are two of the most important skills you can have in a relationship. And my personal favorite: A relationship is not 50/50 as the old adage goes, but actually 100/100 – both people have to be giving their all for a relationship to work.
And I loved watching people’s faces light up when we handed them their chocolates & Starbucks gift card. We said goodbye to everyone with a cheery, “Happy Valentines Day!” and they always returned the same. We watched them walk away with smiles on their faces, chatting excitedly about their moment sharing their wisdom & lessons learned on camera, & their joy in receiving an unexpected gift. I felt in that moment, we were all celebrating Valentine’s Day in a much more authentic & genuine way. We all felt loved, seen, & appreciated.
This Valentine’s Day, I encourage you, whether you are single or in a relationship, to enjoy this holiday for what it is: A chance to show love, either to others or to yourself, in a genuine & heartfelt way. Treat someone else to a coffee, or buy one for yourself. Indulge in some chocolate treats, or give them to someone you love. And remember that, no matter what stage of life you are in, it is serving a purpose in your life, & there is something to be appreciated & learned from it.
Most importantly, as I wrote in each little valentine that we handed out, know that you are loved just as you are, and that is something worth remembering and celebrating, not just today, but every day of the year.
P.S. Check out Joseph’s video capturing our entire day & all the great lessons we learned!
It was your laugh that first captured my heart. It was one of those unique, true laughs, one that shook your entire body. Your smile was wide and genuine. Your hazel eyes were so bright they lit up your entire face. You made me laugh, too, the first authentic laugh I had experienced in a long time. I laughed more in that half hour with you than I had in the last year of my life.
Nothing could have prepared me for what I felt when I first met you. It wasn’t the usual attraction of a crush or the awkward first greetings of two strangers. When I talked to you, it was as if the two of us had been friends for years. Our souls knew each other before our hearts or minds did. Your eyes met mine, and I just knew, deep in my being, that there was something special about you.
Falling in love with you felt different than anything I had ever experienced before. It was different from the shakiness and clamminess of a first date. It was deeper than the butterflies at the first spark of attraction. It was a warmth that touched my soul and filled me from head to toe.
With you, I felt that on the second date. You and I drove around in your car, listening to music and talking about things people normally wait to share until far later in the relationship. I didn’t want the date to end. For the first time in my life, I was willing to be late to class, willing to skip school just to spend a few more minutes with you. I knew at that moment that I was going to marry you one day.
I remember sitting on my couch a few weeks later, when you told me you loved me. The next morning, the two of us watched the sun rise over the water, listening the caw of seagulls and the crashing waves. The sky blushed pink as I leaned my head on your shoulder. With you, I felt safe and comfortable.
I remember our first fight. I remember the yells, the tears of anguish, the sleepless night. It felt as if my heart had been wrenched out of my chest. I had not known before then that heartache is not just a metaphor – it is a physical pain when you are hurt by someone you love.
You and I made up the following day. The two of us ran to each other from across a parking lot like a scene from a movie. You brought me flowers and promised you loved me, that you were going to make things right. I knew that fight was not going to be our last. There would be many more disagreements, and the two of us would be hurt many more times in the future. But I knew that day, whatever life threw at us, I could count on you to work through it with me. Together, the two of us would always make things right again. That day, “you and I” became “we,” ready to take on the world together.
Our first holiday season together was full of new experiences and an undeniable warmth, despite the chill of the outdoors. For you, the days were filled with new rituals that would become traditions. For me, there were the thrilling days spent in the mountains, gliding down the snow at an alarming rate, feeling the rush of adrenaline in my veins as I went skiing for the first time. Catching my breath at the bottom of the mountain, I realized that with you, I was the person I had always wanted to be. You made me brave and strong – you made me believe that I could do absolutely anything. And I knew together we would tackle many more mountains.
February was bliss, and then came the dark month of March, when everyone in the entire world hid in their homes and watched the news with fear. In an instant, without me even realizing it was happening, we were separated, merely hours apart but with no way of being able to see one another. It was a month that should have tested us, but we only grew closer. Late night phone calls and vague plans about the future gave us hope. When we finally made the decision to risk seeing each other again, I held on to you as tight as I could and promised myself that I wouldn’t let you go for so long ever again.
April passed, and then May dwindled away as well. Before I knew it, I found myself in the warm days of summer, though it seemed the world was still stuck in the wintry blues. Jobs had been lost, rioters were destroying cities, and a looming pandemic had us all fearing what tomorrow would bring. But now I was experiencing all of the chaos with you, and somehow, that made everything feel okay. I had found my home away from home.
It was my idea to have a staycation. It would be a little mental break from all the worrying and stress. We could still enjoy our summer without ever having to travel too far from your house. I planned a week of activities. I knew it was going to be a week full of memories. I had no idea just how memorable the week was going to be.
We relaxed at home, tried new foods, and near the end of the week, we traveled around the state of Maryland. I always knew life was about the journey, not the destination, but never did that sentiment feel so true as it did driving in the car with you. We listened to music, told stories, and laughed all day. It was just with minutes to spare that we actually reached our final destination, an overlook with a perfect view of the setting sun. Out of breath from running to catch the view before it disappeared, we embraced one another. Life is a beautiful journey, and I knew then that I wanted to spend the rest of it chasing sunsets with you.
Little did I know you had the same idea. It was your idea to have a fancy picnic on the final day of our staycation. We dressed up in our finest clothes, made fresh Italian food with ingredients from a farmer’s market, and drove to the pavilion where, just a year ago, you had asked me to dance for the first time. We hiked through the trees up a rocky hill, which led us to a meadow filled with tall grass and small, yellow flowers. The pavilion sat in the center, waiting for us with a hidden secret it only shared with you, just as it had a year ago.
White flower petals led the way to the wooden beams adorned with bright sunflowers. Draped against the back of the pavilion was a white blanket. In flowing script against the backdrop, I read the words: “Of all the walks we have taken, this one is my favorite.”
Photo by Jon Mauler Photography
It was too perfect. Too perfect to be true. Too perfect to be for me. You held out your hand and asked me to dance, and I, still hesitant to believe, agreed uncertainly. You played our song, the words of which still ringing as true as they did the day you first played it for me.
Could I love you any more?
Could I love you any more? It’s a question I have asked myself every day spent with you. Every day, it feels as if my heart will burst with how much love I have for you. Yet, somehow, every day my heart grows a little more. Every day, I find more reasons to adore you. Every day, I fall even more madly in love with you.
Could I love you any more? Even as I write this, I don’t think it’s possible. But I know I love you more than I did yesterday, and yesterday I loved you even more than I did the day before.
Because love is a choice. It’s not something that happens passively. It’s not the butterflies on a first date or the spark you feel the first time you hold hands. Love was what I found at the beginning of our relationship, when we both chose to take a chance to be vulnerable with another person. Love was what I found during our first fight, when we both decided to make the effort to make things right and to grow together. Love was what I found when you were willing to try new traditions and do the things that I loved, even if they weren’t the things you most wanted to do. Love was what I found when I went skiing down that mountain, even though my knees were shaking and my heart was pounding and I had never been more scared in my life, because it was something you loved to do. Love was what I found when the entire world was separated, yet we still chose to work on us, to keep growing stronger, even though the distance was threatening to pull us apart. Love was what I found during every trial we faced, when we chose to love each other despite any reason there was to turn away.
Love is a choice. And I choose you. I will always choose you, every day, for the rest of my life. You are my home and my adventure all at once. No matter what each day brings, no matter if it is a day filled with laughter or tears, it is a joy to be spending my life with you. I choose us. I choose you.
The proposal – Photo by Jon Mauler Photography
So when you bent down on one knee, it wasn’t even a question. As our song says, the question was practically rhetorical. Will I marry you? Could I possibly love you any more? The answer is, and will always be, yes…and I do.
After nearly two-and-a-half weeks, our road trip adventure has come to an end.
Our morning began at a popular rest stop parking lot in Ohio. We did a quick bodyweight workout to get our muscles stretched and moving before the long car ride we had planned. While I was getting ready, Joseph found a coffee vending machine that gave us the delicious elixir for a fraction of the price we normally pay. Armed with caffeine and a sugary breakfast, we began our trip home.
Our main objective today, besides driving home, was to pick up my engagement ring. After nearly a month, it was finally ready for pick-up. The only problem was this: The ring store closed at six o’clock, which gave us very little time to rest during our drive. We knew we could make it, but we had to skip lunch to do it. This, however, seemed like a small price to pay for finally having the symbol of our engagement back where it belonged.
The unfortunate roadblock to our success came at three o’clock. Joseph received a phone call from Stevenson University, which seemed odd to both of us because he graduated from that school in May. When Joseph answered, we discovered it was a call from the security office.
“I just received a call from a gentleman in Pennsylvania who has found your wallet,” the security officer said. Joseph and I both looked at each other in shock, and then, as if it were even possible to find it, we began looking around the car for the misplaced item.
“I’m not sure if you even knew it was missing,” the security officer continued.
“No, I didn’t,” Joseph said as reality set in for both of us. We had stopped for gas in Pennsylvania…three hours ago.
The security officer gave us the phone number of the man who found the wallet. Joseph called the number, but the man, identified as Cliff by his voicemail, did not answer. We began the drive back, hoping to receive a return call soon.
As actuality of what was happening finally set in, I began to cry. I was disappointed about the ring, of course, but I was more upset because I believed that it was my fault. Joseph had given me his wallet to fill up the car with gas while he visited the restroom. I realized that I must have left it at the pump, which meant that the added six hours of driving, the lost opportunity to pick up my ring, and the little rest and recovery we were actually going to get tonight were my fault.
Joseph tried in vain to console me as I sobbed in the seat beside him. I could see he was close to laughing about the situation, but I could not seem to join him in his amusement.
We received a call about 30 minutes into our drive from Cliff. He was a kind, older gentleman who lived in Pennsylvania. He said he had found the wallet on an on-ramp to the highway. Confused by this, Joseph and I both looked at each other.
“We must have left it on top of the car,” Joseph said, which begged a new question: Which of us left it there? Did I put the wallet there while trying to purchase gas? Or did I return the wallet to Joseph, when he had been unable to find a restroom, and then he put it on the car while he finished pumping the gas?
After we told Cliff how far away we were, he told us it did not make much sense for us to drive all that way.
“I will just mail it to you tomorrow,” he said. A spark of hope ignited in both of our hearts. We thanked him profusely, and as Joseph gave Cliff his address, he drove the car onto an exit to turn it back in the direction of Zales.
We lost an hour of driving, but we were both now in happier spirits. Not knowing who left the wallet was the best situation because both of us have a tendency to be angry at ourselves but almost never at the other person. We could not help but laugh and shake our heads at the irony of losing his wallet on the last day of our trip.
We arrived at Zales with thirty minutes to spare. At last, my ring was returned to where it belonged. I did not realize how much I had missed it until I had it back. It seems so simple, so insignificant, but it honestly feels like the last part that was missing inside of me has fallen back into place. This ring is a reminder and a symbol of the promise I have made. It brings me joy every time I look at it.
Our beautiful engagement pictures were taken by the very talented Jon Mauler. To see more of his incredible work, visit his website: https://www.jonmauler.com/
The rest of the ride home was uneventful. We sipped on lattes even though it was far too late to drink espresso; at our level of exhaustion, nothing was going to keep us awake tonight. We listened to music and savored our last few moments together before life became normal once again.
“What should be our final song,” Joseph asked me minutes before arriving home. Music was one of the first things we ever connected on, and it has remained a core part of our relationship. We have a theme song for nearly every moment spent together.
“You choose,” I told him. I trust his taste in music as much I trust him with my future.
A moment later, he had turned on the song Colorado by CHAPPY. As I knew it would be, this song was the perfect choice. We listened together, thinking back over all of our memories: The mountain hikes; strolling main streets with coffee in hand; our fights and our moments of bliss; the long drives; camping under the stars; exploring the wilderness outside and within ourselves, and finding it was much less intimidating than we thought; and our perfect moment beneath the fireworks, a celebration and a resolution to an unforgettable journey.
Our travels were filled with twists and turns. It had metaphorical and physical mountains we had to climb and conquer, which lead to views and resolutions too incredible to describe. When we began this trip, I thought it was just going to be a celebration of our engagement. I did not realize that we were both looking for something when we embarked on this adventure.
The song ended with the sentiment, “I am unfinished. Yes, I am not done. Still, it’s up here in the mountains, I defined my home.” As the final chord struck, Joseph turned to me.
“And it’s you,” he said. “You are my home.” I smiled as we pulled onto the road leading to my house.
“You are my home and my adventure all at once,” I told him.
This chapter of my story has ended. I cannot wait to write the next one with him.
I did not realize how clean and refreshing the air in Colorado was until I woke up this morning in a hot, sweaty car, condensation dripping down the windows in the muggy Kansas morning air. I was covered in bug bites thanks to the mosquito that decided to sleep with me last night. I longed so much to return to the mountains of Colorado, but this was the morning of our second day driving back to Maryland.
Joseph and I started the day with a 5K run around the lake we slept next to. The humidity we had forgotten was heavy in our lungs. We were dripping in sweat only a mile into the run. Nevertheless, we pushed through, and at the end we rewarded ourselves with an unconventional bath in the lake. Joseph had the smart idea of placing our soap and loofah in one of our plastic food containers; it served as a makeshift bath caddy that floated in the water next to us.
The water actually felt refreshing after our run. I was reluctant to get out, but we had a long day of driving ahead of us. Our hope was to make it to Columbus, Ohio, which was eleven hours away. To do this, we would also be crossing over a time zone line, which meant we were going to lose an hour of daylight. But, we were determined to get as close to Maryland as possible so we had less driving tomorrow. Our main motivation for this was to pick up my engagement ring. Our route home is supposed to take us through the town the store is in, but if we don’t get there by six o’clock tomorrow evening, we won’t have a chance to pick it up for at least another week.
We began the drive, both tired from the previous long day of traveling. For much of the morning and afternoon, we were quiet. We listened to podcasts and music, and we tried to relax as much as we could while our backs ached from sitting for so long.
Near the end of the afternoon, we decided to listen to a podcast about my enneagram. The enneagram is a personality test that Joseph and I were interested in at the beginning of this trip. We both figured out which enneagram we are (I am a two and Joseph is a three), but after that, Joseph did much more soul-searching and discovering than I did. A week ago, he mentioned a podcast he wanted to listen to with me about my own personality, but I had put it off until today.
It was illuminating. I feel like I have not understood myself until this moment in my life. Everything about my actions, my motivations, and my thoughts actually makes sense now. The thing that characterizes twos is their desire to give and receive love, which is so strong that it can be achieved in unhealthy ways, such as neglecting self-care and manipulating others. The way to solve this is to make time for taking care of one’s own needs, which then gives the two enough energy to give more love to others without expecting anything in return.
As I have mentioned a few times, I have been struggling with my health for the past year. One of the main reasons for this is because I let it get so much worse than it needed to before finally dealing with it. I thought it was selfish to spend the time and money to take care of myself, as well as to express any needs I had to others. However, because of this, I felt so unfulfilled in the last year because I did not have any energy to engage in the normal service and giving that I am used to doing. I always felt like I was not doing enough for others, which only fueled my disappointment in myself. This, in turn, demotivated me even more to take care of myself.
It has been a vicious cycle, but I am learning now that it is important to love myself in order to love others well. It is the message I have been trying to grasp onto in the last year, but I think now I finally understand it.
The most important thing that I have to remember is this: While loving relationships are important, God is my source of love and care. He gives me everything I need. He loves me unconditionally. I do not need love from others to fill my cup; He is what sustains me. He delights in me and who I am because He created me. And He wants me to rest when I need to and to take care of myself so that I am able to do the work He has created me for.
I was honestly disappointed about the idea of going home after such an amazing trip, but having this knowledge fills me with such excitement about my future. I think something finally clicked into place, and now I feel like myself again.
After learning more about my enneagram, Joseph and I talked more deeply about each of our personalities. I find it interesting how we approach so much of life similarly, yet for such different motivations. It is important to me to serve others, both because I am filled by loving others and because I have an intrinsic belief that this is how I will receive love (which is not necessarily true). Joseph wants to serve others because he believes that is the ultimate way to live, and he is motivated by his desire for personal achievement and to not disappoint others or himself. On the outside, it looks as if we are doing the same thing, but on the inside, we have two very different internal battles taking place.
One of the most important things for any relationship is communication. The fact that we know about each others’ personalities, motivations, and thought processes helps us to have better empathy and compassion for each other. I feel that this trip has helped us both understand one another on such a deeper level, and I am excited to see what impact that will have on our future together.
Joseph and I stopped for dinner at a rest stop. We watched the sunset, feeling content and satisfied. This trip has been an amazing journey for so many reasons. We have learned more about ourselves, each other, and who we are together.
Based on what I have discovered, I could not be more enthusiastic and hopeful about our future together.
P.S. There will be more to come on the enneagram soon, and a little challenge for you! Check out the blog next week for my journey deeper into self-discovery and, hopefully, actualization.
