I did not realize how clean and refreshing the air in Colorado was until I woke up this morning in a hot, sweaty car, condensation dripping down the windows in the muggy Kansas morning air. I was covered in bug bites thanks to the mosquito that decided to sleep with me last night. I longed so much to return to the mountains of Colorado, but this was the morning of our second day driving back to Maryland.
Joseph and I started the day with a 5K run around the lake we slept next to. The humidity we had forgotten was heavy in our lungs. We were dripping in sweat only a mile into the run. Nevertheless, we pushed through, and at the end we rewarded ourselves with an unconventional bath in the lake. Joseph had the smart idea of placing our soap and loofah in one of our plastic food containers; it served as a makeshift bath caddy that floated in the water next to us.
The water actually felt refreshing after our run. I was reluctant to get out, but we had a long day of driving ahead of us. Our hope was to make it to Columbus, Ohio, which was eleven hours away. To do this, we would also be crossing over a time zone line, which meant we were going to lose an hour of daylight. But, we were determined to get as close to Maryland as possible so we had less driving tomorrow. Our main motivation for this was to pick up my engagement ring. Our route home is supposed to take us through the town the store is in, but if we don’t get there by six o’clock tomorrow evening, we won’t have a chance to pick it up for at least another week.
We began the drive, both tired from the previous long day of traveling. For much of the morning and afternoon, we were quiet. We listened to podcasts and music, and we tried to relax as much as we could while our backs ached from sitting for so long.
Near the end of the afternoon, we decided to listen to a podcast about my enneagram. The enneagram is a personality test that Joseph and I were interested in at the beginning of this trip. We both figured out which enneagram we are (I am a two and Joseph is a three), but after that, Joseph did much more soul-searching and discovering than I did. A week ago, he mentioned a podcast he wanted to listen to with me about my own personality, but I had put it off until today.
It was illuminating. I feel like I have not understood myself until this moment in my life. Everything about my actions, my motivations, and my thoughts actually makes sense now. The thing that characterizes twos is their desire to give and receive love, which is so strong that it can be achieved in unhealthy ways, such as neglecting self-care and manipulating others. The way to solve this is to make time for taking care of one’s own needs, which then gives the two enough energy to give more love to others without expecting anything in return.
As I have mentioned a few times, I have been struggling with my health for the past year. One of the main reasons for this is because I let it get so much worse than it needed to before finally dealing with it. I thought it was selfish to spend the time and money to take care of myself, as well as to express any needs I had to others. However, because of this, I felt so unfulfilled in the last year because I did not have any energy to engage in the normal service and giving that I am used to doing. I always felt like I was not doing enough for others, which only fueled my disappointment in myself. This, in turn, demotivated me even more to take care of myself.
It has been a vicious cycle, but I am learning now that it is important to love myself in order to love others well. It is the message I have been trying to grasp onto in the last year, but I think now I finally understand it.
The most important thing that I have to remember is this: While loving relationships are important, God is my source of love and care. He gives me everything I need. He loves me unconditionally. I do not need love from others to fill my cup; He is what sustains me. He delights in me and who I am because He created me. And He wants me to rest when I need to and to take care of myself so that I am able to do the work He has created me for.
I was honestly disappointed about the idea of going home after such an amazing trip, but having this knowledge fills me with such excitement about my future. I think something finally clicked into place, and now I feel like myself again.
After learning more about my enneagram, Joseph and I talked more deeply about each of our personalities. I find it interesting how we approach so much of life similarly, yet for such different motivations. It is important to me to serve others, both because I am filled by loving others and because I have an intrinsic belief that this is how I will receive love (which is not necessarily true). Joseph wants to serve others because he believes that is the ultimate way to live, and he is motivated by his desire for personal achievement and to not disappoint others or himself. On the outside, it looks as if we are doing the same thing, but on the inside, we have two very different internal battles taking place.
One of the most important things for any relationship is communication. The fact that we know about each others’ personalities, motivations, and thought processes helps us to have better empathy and compassion for each other. I feel that this trip has helped us both understand one another on such a deeper level, and I am excited to see what impact that will have on our future together.
Joseph and I stopped for dinner at a rest stop. We watched the sunset, feeling content and satisfied. This trip has been an amazing journey for so many reasons. We have learned more about ourselves, each other, and who we are together.
Based on what I have discovered, I could not be more enthusiastic and hopeful about our future together.
P.S. There will be more to come on the enneagram soon, and a little challenge for you! Check out the blog next week for my journey deeper into self-discovery and, hopefully, actualization.
