It’s a tough pill to swallow. Disappointment is that empty feeling in the pit of your stomach that makes it difficult to focus on anything else. And it doesn’t just hurt when we personally experience disappointment. There’s no worse slap in the face than when someone tells you they are disappointed in you.
According to Psychology Today, disappointment is a type of sadness: “A feeling of loss, an uncomfortable space (or a painful gap) between our expectations & reality.” We can set ourselves up for disappointment when we have higher expectations for a situation or outcome than what is realistic.
According to Dr. Tara Well, an associate professor of psychology at Barnard College of Columbia University, one way to deal with disappointment before it happens is to manage these expectations. Be realistic when setting time limits to achieve your goals, & realize that, even if you achieve a desired outcome, it may not give you the happiness you desire. We are taught to associate happiness with certain things, like money or power, but often these things fail to give us the happiness we thought they would. Similarly, disappointment can come from placing too many expectations or too much responsibility for your happiness on a single person in your life. And we also face disappointment when things don’t go as planned; when things don’t fall into place the way we thought they would, especially when we worked hard to make it so, it can be disheartening.
One of the most important things you can do to avoid disappointment is to approach life in a more relaxed state. Being flexible allows you to deal with moments with acceptance & perseverance, rather than disappointment. But, that’s a rather hard thing to do. If you are naturally more anxious or perfectionistic, changing your personality is not an easy task.
So, what do you do if you’re already feeling disappointed?
If you’re feeling disappointed in yourself, speak to yourself with kindness. Talk to yourself as you would a friend. Look for the lesson in what you learned to move forward with knowledge & insight from this moment. And most importantly, have grace & forgiveness for yourself.
If you are disappointed in a person, remember to approach others with kindness as well. Think about whether the expectations you are placing on others are things you should be fulfilling for yourself. Sometimes, it is necessary to reevaluate a relationship to make sure it is beneficial for both parties – that there is an even give & take. But other times, we have to recognize our own needs, & realize that the other person is either not capable of fulfilling them, or that we did not even communicate them properly. In both of these situations, communicating with the other person & working together to define what your relationship will look like is a good next step.
And last but not least, what do you do when you encounter a disappointing situation?
I think the first instinct for a lot of us is to put our heads down & move on. I mean, there’s no point crying over spilled milk right? And in situations that cannot be changed, this may be the best route of action. Take whatever lesson you can from the situation & move on. But what about for situations where you may be able to change something? Or, perhaps, there is a better alternative that you didn’t even think of before.
Every time I’ve just “moved on” in my life after a disappointment, instead of thinking about what I could do instead, it tends to become one of those memories from years ago that pops into my head when I lie in bed & keeps me up all night.
When I face a disappointing situation, the first thing I honestly do is cry & have a little pity party for myself. Then I brush myself off & fight it.
Is it futile? Sometimes, yes. I mean, if we’re using the spilled milk analogy, have you ever tried gather up spilled liquid off the ground? There’s absolutely no point. Clean it up, throw it out, & move on.
But, maybe it isn’t spilled milk. Maybe it’s just a dropped piece of chocolate, & I think the five-second-rule applies. I want to know, when I lay down & get to thinking late at night that I did everything I could to get the outcome I desired. Because it’s one thing to be disappointed in a situation, but it’s an entirely different thing to be disappointed in myself. It doesn’t always work out, but it can save me from thinking back & regretting the choices that I’ve made in my life, & that’s worth the fight.
It was a hot day in August when Joseph and I decided to visit our nation’s capitol.
I spent a day planning our itinerary, & then we left early on a Tuesday in Joseph’s black Mazda. As we drove into the city, the tall buildings I was expecting greeted us first, but then, lush, green trees surrounded our car.
Our first stop was the Smithsonian Zoo. To avoid zoo parking costs, we drove to Porter St. NW, thanks to a tip online. However, upon arriving, we found that there was only two hour parking available, which would not be long enough for us to explore the zoo. So instead, we drove around for a few minutes, and we luckily stumbled along free residential parking just a couple blocks away from the zoo. We ate a quick breakfast at the car and then walked the busy DC morning streets to our destination.
We strolled down the brick-laden streets that wound around the animal exhibits, peering in with bated breath and repeatedly turning away, disappointed. The animals were nowhere to be found.
The air was already growing humid and sweat was brimming on our foreheads in the August morning air as we approached the elephant exhibit.
“What if the elephants are hiding, too?“ Joseph asked. I looked back at him, dread washing over me.
“I don’t want to think about it,” I said. Elephants are my favorite animal.
Luckily, the elephants were not hiding away like the other animals. They lumbered around their pen, grazing and enjoying the warm sun. I gazed at the majestic creatures with the same wonder I always do, looking deep into their amber eyes and seeing the same wisdom and beauty that always encapsulates me.
The Elephant Trails Exhibit at the Smithsonian Zoo
Once I had finally had my fill, we explored the rest of the zoo with much more success. The animals had finally come out. We laughed while we watched the otters play and gazed, fascinated, at the stately cats panting in the hot sun.
Just before leaving the zoo, Joseph dragged me into the Great Ape House, my least favorite place in the zoo. I have been terrified of monkeys since I was a little girl, and that fear has not subsided in the slightest over the years. I watched in terror as the orangutans swung from branch to branch and the angry gorilla charged the glass.
I don’t think we lasted more than two minutes in that exhibit, but that was plenty of time for me. I would have rather spent more time with the elephants.
We were both famished by the time we left the zoo. While Joseph went to get our car, I stopped by Starbucks to get us two large iced lattes and our special mug that we get from every trip we take. We are currently trying to visit all 50 states, and from each one, we get a Starbucks mug from the “Been There” series. It’s our special little souvenir that represents where we have been, as well as our coffee addiction.
We drove to the National Mall, which proved to be an even trickier place to find parking. When we finally did find a spot, we were both growing hangrier by the minute. We walked to a nearby patch of grass and immediately began picnicking. We both felt much better with food in our stomachs, sipping ice cold coffee.
By now, sweat was pouring down our backs. My hair was unkempt, and we were both itchy from the grass. It was quite tempting to jump into the glistening water beside us, or to turn home to take a blissfully cold shower. But after traveling in a car around the state of Colorado for nearly two weeks, we are no strangers to discomfort during our adventures, and we always try to make the most of it. So, as planned, we walked around the entire loop of the National Mall. Good conversation and the incredible statues kept us occupied.
When we stepped into the Franklin Delano Roosevelt Memorial, followed shortly by the Martin Luther King, Jr. Memorial, I couldn’t help but reflect on the current events rocking our country. The Black Lives Matter protests were still at their height. Anger had painted our country into two distinct colors of red and blue. The election was still a couple months away, but already I felt the divisiveness and fear in the hearts of my fellow Americans.
Our walk took much longer than expected – hours later, we were ready for dinner. We drove to Georgetown, or rather, what we thought was Georgetown, and then drove an additional 45 minutes searching desperately for parking. When we finally found a small spot on a beaten down road, we discovered to our dismay that we were on the wrong side of the city. We were on the right street, but our actual destination was a seven minute drive away. It doesn’t sound like much, but it was not a walkable distance, and it meant we would have to search for parking again.
We were exhausted but liberated when we drove into Georgetown and found it was the main street feel we had been searching for. The tall, ornate buildings had been replaced by small, locally-owned shops and restaurants. Luckily, we found parking within a few minutes, and then we searched for the restaurant we wanted to visit. We settled on an American cuisine (I mean, we were visiting the American capitol, after all); we dined at Clydes, a family-owned restaurant that believes in using local and sustainable ingredients in their cooking. The atmosphere was classy, but no doubt American. We sat down at a leather booth, surrounded by ornate woodwork, and listening to 80s rock music playing softly in the background.
Joseph ordered a burger and some of the best French fries I have ever tasted in my life. I got a salad with grilled salmon. Neither of us were disappointed. The meat and seafood were cooked to a succulent perfection, seasoned so astutely we both couldn’t stop eating.
We ended our meals satisfied and ready to return home after a long day. On our walk back to the car, we perused a few shops, but we were both too tired to take our time.
When we arrived home, we each took long, cool showers and then crashed into our beds, ready for a long night’s rest. Visiting our nation’s capitol had been an exciting trip, one we would not soon forget.
We didn’t tell this story right away, though. Life seemed to only grow crazier, both in our personal lives and in our nation. I was working way too many hours to also be regularly posting on a blog. However, every time I received a free moment and thought about posting this story, I thought it might seem tactless to describe a blissful day in our nation’s capitol with all of the tumultuous events occurring at that very place.
And then, the events of January 6 occurred, when fellow Americans stormed the U.S. Capitol building with guns and bombs, disrupting the peaceful transition of power our country has respected for hundreds of years. It was shocking to watch the videos, just as it was shocking to watch the violence take place during the Black Lives Matter protests last summer. And both times, I realized I sat safe at home while others were hurt. I sat at home while my brothers and sisters were killed. It made me sick to my stomach.
Me outside the Smithsonian Zoo
So, why am I posting this story now? The timing is no better than it was before. Well, all I can say is, it was a beautiful day, in our nation’s capitol. Despite it being unbearably hot and an exhausting trip, it was a beautiful day spent in the city our nation depends on every day.
When I think back to the trip now, I think about the moments I spent gazing up at the Martin Luther King, Jr. Memorial. I think about what he fought for, the reason he is remembered in granite and in our hearts today. I wonder what he would think of the divisiveness in our nation now. I wonder what he would say about the protests, the riots, the hurt, and the pain.
I cannot speak for him, but what I will say is that I think the time has come for us to unify once again. I think it is time to rebuild, and to build it much better this time. I think it is time that we listen to one another instead of yell at one another, that we build each other up instead of tear each other down. I think it’s time for forgiveness, as hard as it may be, and to soften our hardened hearts to the possibility of love and building a better future.
I don’t think it will be easy. I don’t think it is something I can just write and then it will happen. It’s going to take patience, hard work, and a lot of uncomfortable conversations. I imagine I will have to be in a lot of situations that are far more discomforting that this day in Washington, DC. But I am more than willing, and I hope you are, too.
Because, as Martin Luther King, Jr. said, “Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.”
Joseph and me just a few minutes away from his house – we made it home just as the sun was setting
There has been a shadow of darkness over our nation, and hate has been spewed for generations. I know standing up against this overwhelming cloud of wickedness and corruption takes courage, but I think it also takes a lot of love. And if I want to be remembered for anything in my life, I want it to be for how I loved. I hope my writing is a part of the dim light shining through, and my intention is that whoever is reading this feels only love from my words.
Let’s drive out the darkness together, one small step at a time, and let’s love the hate out of this nation, one person at a time. It’s what we all have the power to do. It’s what we were born here with the freedom to do. And as Martin Luther King, Jr. said, “The time always right to do what is right.”
P.S. Watch Joseph’s vlog about this trip on his YouTube channel – & don’t forget to subscribe!
