I did not realize how clean and refreshing the air in Colorado was until I woke up this morning in a hot, sweaty car, condensation dripping down the windows in the muggy Kansas morning air. I was covered in bug bites thanks to the mosquito that decided to sleep with me last night. I longed so much to return to the mountains of Colorado, but this was the morning of our second day driving back to Maryland.
Joseph and I started the day with a 5K run around the lake we slept next to. The humidity we had forgotten was heavy in our lungs. We were dripping in sweat only a mile into the run. Nevertheless, we pushed through, and at the end we rewarded ourselves with an unconventional bath in the lake. Joseph had the smart idea of placing our soap and loofah in one of our plastic food containers; it served as a makeshift bath caddy that floated in the water next to us.
The water actually felt refreshing after our run. I was reluctant to get out, but we had a long day of driving ahead of us. Our hope was to make it to Columbus, Ohio, which was eleven hours away. To do this, we would also be crossing over a time zone line, which meant we were going to lose an hour of daylight. But, we were determined to get as close to Maryland as possible so we had less driving tomorrow. Our main motivation for this was to pick up my engagement ring. Our route home is supposed to take us through the town the store is in, but if we don’t get there by six o’clock tomorrow evening, we won’t have a chance to pick it up for at least another week.
We began the drive, both tired from the previous long day of traveling. For much of the morning and afternoon, we were quiet. We listened to podcasts and music, and we tried to relax as much as we could while our backs ached from sitting for so long.
Near the end of the afternoon, we decided to listen to a podcast about my enneagram. The enneagram is a personality test that Joseph and I were interested in at the beginning of this trip. We both figured out which enneagram we are (I am a two and Joseph is a three), but after that, Joseph did much more soul-searching and discovering than I did. A week ago, he mentioned a podcast he wanted to listen to with me about my own personality, but I had put it off until today.
It was illuminating. I feel like I have not understood myself until this moment in my life. Everything about my actions, my motivations, and my thoughts actually makes sense now. The thing that characterizes twos is their desire to give and receive love, which is so strong that it can be achieved in unhealthy ways, such as neglecting self-care and manipulating others. The way to solve this is to make time for taking care of one’s own needs, which then gives the two enough energy to give more love to others without expecting anything in return.
As I have mentioned a few times, I have been struggling with my health for the past year. One of the main reasons for this is because I let it get so much worse than it needed to before finally dealing with it. I thought it was selfish to spend the time and money to take care of myself, as well as to express any needs I had to others. However, because of this, I felt so unfulfilled in the last year because I did not have any energy to engage in the normal service and giving that I am used to doing. I always felt like I was not doing enough for others, which only fueled my disappointment in myself. This, in turn, demotivated me even more to take care of myself.
It has been a vicious cycle, but I am learning now that it is important to love myself in order to love others well. It is the message I have been trying to grasp onto in the last year, but I think now I finally understand it.
The most important thing that I have to remember is this: While loving relationships are important, God is my source of love and care. He gives me everything I need. He loves me unconditionally. I do not need love from others to fill my cup; He is what sustains me. He delights in me and who I am because He created me. And He wants me to rest when I need to and to take care of myself so that I am able to do the work He has created me for.
I was honestly disappointed about the idea of going home after such an amazing trip, but having this knowledge fills me with such excitement about my future. I think something finally clicked into place, and now I feel like myself again.
After learning more about my enneagram, Joseph and I talked more deeply about each of our personalities. I find it interesting how we approach so much of life similarly, yet for such different motivations. It is important to me to serve others, both because I am filled by loving others and because I have an intrinsic belief that this is how I will receive love (which is not necessarily true). Joseph wants to serve others because he believes that is the ultimate way to live, and he is motivated by his desire for personal achievement and to not disappoint others or himself. On the outside, it looks as if we are doing the same thing, but on the inside, we have two very different internal battles taking place.
One of the most important things for any relationship is communication. The fact that we know about each others’ personalities, motivations, and thought processes helps us to have better empathy and compassion for each other. I feel that this trip has helped us both understand one another on such a deeper level, and I am excited to see what impact that will have on our future together.
Joseph and I stopped for dinner at a rest stop. We watched the sunset, feeling content and satisfied. This trip has been an amazing journey for so many reasons. We have learned more about ourselves, each other, and who we are together.
Based on what I have discovered, I could not be more enthusiastic and hopeful about our future together.
P.S. There will be more to come on the enneagram soon, and a little challenge for you! Check out the blog next week for my journey deeper into self-discovery and, hopefully, actualization.
The first thing Joseph said to me on the morning of our third day road tripping was the last thing I would ever want to wake up to hearing.
“I didn’t want to wake you last night because I didn’t want to scare you,” Joseph said.
“Okay,” I said uneasily. “What is it?” He pulled out his phone, opened his photos app, and clicked on a video recording from last night. When he clicked play, the sounds of at least a dozen dogs barking filled the tent.
“They were everywhere,” Joseph said. “They were so loud they woke me up.”
“We had coyotes around our tent,” I exclaimed. Joseph laughed and nodded.
Despite that alarming start to our day, we and all of our belongings were fine. The two of us got ready and went for a 5K run to stretch our legs before sitting in the car all day. After the run, we jumped into the lake in our bathing suits to cool off and bathe for the first time on this trip. Despite the murky water and mud squishing between my toes, it was actually quite refreshing, and I felt surprisingly clean afterwards. We made some oatmeal for breakfast, and then we started driving to the destination we have been looking forward to: Colorado.
I dozed in the car as Joseph listened to a podcast about his enneagram. We stopped in an iHop parking lot so I could teach my yoga class.
As I was teaching, I watched Joseph with curiosity. He had the hood open and was moving about the car, seemingly hard at work. When I finished teaching, he excitedly showed me what he had been up to.
Do you remember that cigarette lighter we blew on the first day of our trip? We have been struggling to get enough power to charge any of our electronics since then. Today, Joseph had the brilliant idea of trying to fix the cigarette lighter himself, something I didn’t think could be done. He found a YouTube video about where to find the fuse box in his car, which had extra fuses for the cigarette lighter in it. Without any prior experience, he switched the fuse in the cigarette lighter and it worked! Now, we have enough power to charge everything we need for the rest of this trip.
Now, the main concern is the car brakes. We have been hearing a soft grinding noise in the back right tire, and when we looked at it today, we saw rust had covered about an inch of the rotor. After consulting some family and friends who are mechanics, we have decided to let it go for now, but if it gets worse, we will have to get it fixed during this trip.
The rest of the day was spent driving, driving, and driving some more. Kansas is beautiful, but the long flat roads surrounded by cornfields start to get old after a few hours.
We found some sunflowers (my favorite flower) on the side of the road. It was a nice break from the corn.
“How are we still in Kansas,” I asked in exasperation.
“This is how it is,” Joseph said jokingly. “You’re in Kansas for, like, eight days, and then you finally get to Colorado.”
We stopped at a gas station, where I filled our water bottles with a pump. The thing is, I have never used a water pump, so when I attempted it, the water sprayed all over me. Joseph, who was filling our tires with air, started laughing hysterically. But, honestly, after sitting in the hot car all day, it felt so refreshing. I would have sat under that spigot and just let the water run over me if it had been socially acceptable to do so. The heat was so oppressive today that by the time I finished filling the water bottles and returned to the car, my clothes were completely dry.
Two hours outside of Colorado, we decided to revisit the enneagram by listening to podcasts about each of our numbers. I insisted we listen to Joseph’s first.
But, as we got further into it, his comments began to rub me the wrong way. He would agree with it and point out things about himself, saying, “Yes, that’s what I need!” and “That is so me!” The comments themselves were fine – they are actually what is to be expected when someone is learning more about himself. But I felt like they were directed at me, as if I did not already know who he was. I felt like he was telling me what he needed because he felt I was not currently giving that to him, and that hurt me.
These feelings probably came up for me because this was not an isolated incident. Just the night before, Joseph told me that he felt like his love tank was not full. I was so surprised to hear that, considering we just got engaged a little over a week ago and we have been spending so much time together since then. His top love language is quality time, so it didn’t make sense why his love tank would not be full. Joseph’s secondary love language is physical touch, but I also felt like I had been loving him just as much as usual in this area as well. The two of us have agreed to wait until marriage to have sex, not necessarily because of religion, but because we want to learn all the other ways to love one another before having sex, because we know at that time, sex will most likely become the default way to show love. So, I can’t give him that, but that doesn’t mean I have not been able to show him love in other ways. And this pact is nothing new, so I was confused as to why, after over a year of dating, this was suddenly a problem. Joseph always told me I do a good job of loving him. Why would his love tank be decreasing after we got engaged and while we were on the trip of a lifetime?
I’m repping my “The Africa Doc” t-shirt today. To learn more about this amazing project by my friend, Mark Perry, visit http://theafricadoc.com/
I’m not sure how it came out. I don’t remember what was said or how it came up, but before I knew it, we were pulled over on a side dirt road, tears running down my face, and both of us yelling at each other. It felt like one of the worst fights we had ever had. Joseph didn’t understand why I wasn’t happy, why I wasn’t enjoying learning more about our personalities and how that manifests in our relationship, and he hated that I was hurt, but he didn’t know what he had done wrong. I was distraught that I had apparently not loved him well; I didn’t understand what I had done wrong, and I was hurt that my fiancé seemed to believe that I didn’t already know how to love him well. And, perhaps, I was hurt that maybe that was true. It had always been one of my main goals to make sure he felt loved, and to hear that I failed in that area was devastating to me.
We got back into the car and continued our drive, tense, exhausted and hurt. The last few days of sleep deprivation and being stuck in the car all day had taken its toll. We each spoke our minds, but neither of us seemed to have the energy to actually solve the problem. After a few minutes of just sitting in an exhausted and uncomfortable silence, I turned to him.
“Can we just get out of that place and start over from here,” I asked.
“Yes, please,” Joseph said. “I hate this. What is happening to us?”
“I don’t know,” I said. “I think we’re tired.”
“Yes, like I so want to talk to you about this, but I can’t even think through what you’re saying,” Joseph said.
“Same,” I agreed. “I don’t want to be mad at you.”
“I don’t want to be mad at you,” Joseph said. “This is awful.”
“Okay, we’ve both said our peace, right,” I asked.
“Yes.”
“So, let’s just start from here. If you don’t feel loved, for whatever reason, you have to tell me. And then we will work through it.”
“And if you don’t feel loved, you have to tell me,” Joseph said. I agreed, and we both took a deep breath.
“You want to finish listening to the podcast,” I asked.
“Yes, I do.” Joseph turned it back on, and we listened through the last fifteen minutes. When we finished, Joseph asked what I thought.
“It’s definitely you,” I said. “It makes a lot of sense. Especially the part about how you have to remind yourself to be a human ‘being,’ not a human ‘doing.’ I have literally heard you say that.”
“Yeah, there’s so many things that I heard that are things that I have said before, without even knowing that it was a part of my enneagram,” Joseph said. “And that whole part about just wanting affirmation. That’s all I want from people – to know that I did a good job.” I paused for a moment, studying him.
“Joseph, did I thank you enough for our engagement,” I asked. “I mean, did I let you know how much it meant to me?”
“Yeah, I mean, I put a lot of work into it, but you did tell me,” he said. “But, then, I put a lot of work into this trip, too. And I just don’t feel like you noticed.”
“I didn’t realize you needed to hear that,” I said. “Of course I noticed! You put so much work into this trip. But, so did I, and I didn’t expect you to thank me for it. We did it together.” I paused, thinking. “Are you sure your top love language isn’t words of affirmation?” Joseph stared at me.
“Maybe,” he said slowly.
“I mean, you told me your love tank wasn’t full, but we have spent every moment together. And we have had just as much physical touch as we always do. But, I didn’t affirm you about how amazing your proposal was and how well you did at planning this trip, and suddenly your love tank isn’t full.” We were silent for a moment, thinking.
“Let’s try something,” I said. I grabbed his hand, gave it a squeeze and a long, tender kiss. Then, I looked deep into his eyes and said, “Joseph, thank you so much for your proposal. It was the proposal of my dreams. I could not have asked for more. It was so amazing, I couldn’t even believe it was for me. You love me so well. And thank you for how much thought and preparation you put into this trip. I was so nervous, but you put in so much work to make me feel comfortable and I really appreciate it.”
“Thank you,” Joseph said sincerely, and I could see his eyes filled with what almost looked like relief.
“Which thing meant more to you,” I asked.
“Which what?”
“Did you even notice that I did two different things,” I asked. Joseph stared at me. “I grabbed your hand and kissed it, and then I affirmed you.”
“I didn’t even think about you holding my hand,” Joseph said, surprised. “What you said meant everything to me. That filled my cup.”
I always thought it was strange that Joseph didn’t have words of affirmation as his top love language. He has always said that what makes him feel loved is when I listen to him and make him feel seen and heard, yet he has always insisted that his love languages were quality time and physical touch.
Everyone seems to think that when two people get engaged, their relationship is supposed to be perfect, full of smiles and laughter. And it is, but it’s also filled with struggle, hurt, and difficult conversations. The point is that we know we want to spend the rest of our lives together, despite those challenging times. And today’s fight was actually super important for our relationship. We learned how I could better love Joseph, and when Joseph feels loved, it better enables him to love me well. When we were fighting, it felt like something broke between us, and maybe it did. But, an hour later, it was mended stronger than it was before.
There is no doubt that there will be many more fights, even worse than today’s argument. But I have no doubt that I want to marry this man, because I know we are both dedicated to working through it and learning how to love each other better. That’s why I said “yes” when he asked me to marry him – not because we are perfect, but because we both recognize we aren’t and that actually makes us stronger.
I would love to say that the rest of the drive was without any more challenges, but that is not the case. As we drove down the scenic highway, gazing out at the mountains in the distance, both of our cups were filled. Our only annoyance were the mosquitos buzzing around our heads. We slapped at them, hitting the car windows and doors and missing nearly every time. I missed one, and it flew over to Joseph’s side and landed on the windshield. Joseph formed a fist and hit the glass.
The crack shocked us both. We stared, mouths agape, as it spiderwebbed across the glass. For a moment, we were both still. The mosquito flew away between us, triumphant. Joseph and I looked at each other, and then we both burst into incredulous laughter. I suppose we will have to get that fixed soon, too.
We drove into Blanca, Colorado, and made it to our campsite. The road, however, was far too rough for our car, and the campsite was crowded with people, so we turned around and drove to our back-up choice. By this point, it was late and we were both exhausted. We had not eaten in eight hours, our bodies ached, and we were ready to go to bed. But when we finally made it down the dirt road, the sign read “Camping prohibited.” Discouraged and weary, we drove back into town, searching for an empty parking lot where we could just sleep in the car. By the time we found a spot, it was far too late to make dinner. We each had a small snack and climbed into the back of the car, and passed out, emotionally and physically exhausted.
But we made it. After three long days, we have arrived in Colorado.
Let me just begin by saying that the backs of car seats do not make good beds. My body ached all through the night. The sunrise came far too early. I opened my bleary eyes when my alarm went off, wondering where the night had gone.
Our first challenge this morning was finding a bathroom. Because of COVID-19, a lot of stores are opening later than usual. Luckily, we found a Kroger just a few minutes away. While I was in the bathroom, Joseph cleaned up the car. We got hot water from the Starbucks inside the store for tea and instant oatmeal, and then we were off on our journey.
We drove the first four hours without stopping. We chatted and listened to music, revisiting our playlists from yesterday. The first state line we crossed today was Missouri. From a distance, we marveled at St. Louis and the grand arch. We are planning on visiting St. Louis at the end of this trip on our way back to Maryland.
We stopped just 30 minutes farther down the road because we were in desperate need of coffee and that’s where the closest Dunkin’ was. We sat on a parking lot curb again today for lunch, eating sandwiches and baby carrots. After our meal, we decided to take a walk to stretch our legs before getting back on the road.
We walked first to the obvious main attraction, a grandiose casino just down the road. When we got there, we walked down the stairs of the parking garage to find an older, abandoned floor with graffiti-covered walls and mounds of dirt caked onto the floor. It was odd to see the stark contrast from the richness just above our heads. It seemed like we had stepped into a city out of a science fiction novel, and we had traveled from where the rich lived up ahead to where the less fortunate lived down below.
We wandered out of the garage and stumbled upon a biking trail with train tracks running alongside it. With the shade from the trees protecting us from the Missouri summer heat, we continued our stroll to find a county fair set up in a parking lot.
I absolutely love the county fair. There is just an air of excitement to it that can’t compare to anything else. Fairs are filled with local treasures, games almost no one ever wins (but I try anyway), and fun rides that are practically designed to make people throw up all of the delicious food they ate.
But I discovered today that the magic of county fairs disappears when they aren’t filled with people. Joseph and I gazed out at barren food stands and empty rides, feeling as though we were looking at a ghost town. It was creepy and unnerving, like something out of a horror film. What reminded me that it was reality were the signs on the pavement instructing people on how to properly social distance when the fair does open.
“Social distancing,” Joseph began thoughtfully. “How bad do you think the PTSD of this generation is going to be?”
“I don’t know,” I replied. “Kids are suddenly not able to see their grandparents. They can’t hug their friends. Everyone is wearing masks. That’s pretty scary.”
“We are living in crazy times,” Joseph said.
That we are. But the thing is, when has life ever been normal? People attach the word “new” to “normal” to try to make sense of the new situation we are in, but the truth is, “normal” is never a real state of being. I was terrified when the coronavirus began, scared to step foot out of my house. As the months have drawn on, that fear has not dissipated, but I have realized that I can’t stay in my house, petrified of the world around me. Caution is important; our actions should not place ourselves or anyone else in harm’s way. But we can’t wait to live until things are “back to normal.” No one and no thing is normal. And that’s okay, because it’s not the normalcy of a situation that gives us comfort. Normalcy is something we can’t ever truly rely on, as proven by the novel coronavirus. So, how could it possibly bring us peace of mind when it can so easily be taken away? What will truly bring us solace in times like this, and really any time in our lives, is our adaptability and willingness to change. The “new normal” is here; it’s just what we call “normal” now. For me, what is most important now is discovering how I can best love those around me in these new circumstances.
We returned to our car, eager to get back on the road. We briefly visiting Kansas City, but on our way there, we were stopped in standstill traffic for an hour, which delayed us enough to decide to just head on to our campsite instead. To pass the time, we spent a few hours exploring the enneagram.
The enneagram is a personality test with nine different personality types. According to the Enneagram Institute’s website, it’s normal to find something in common with all of the personality types, but people tend to have one dominant personality and one complementary or contradictory personality, called the wing. Joseph and I have both taken the enneagram assessment in the past, and we both tested as twos. However, Joseph recently began to think that maybe he got the wrong results.
It’s already a chore to take a long personality test once. Neither of us wanted to take it a second time. Besides, after knowing what we tested as, we thought it might be difficult not to subconsciously have that knowledge influence our answers the second time we took the test.
Instead, we made a fun activity out of trying to discover our enneagram ourselves. After reading brief descriptions of each of the nine personalities, we listened to the corresponding song from the album Atlas: Enneagram by Sleeping At Last to see if we connected with the music and lyrics.
It was actually a pretty effective test. Sleeping At Last did an amazing job of adjusting their musical style to fit what I would imagine the different personalities would be most attracted to, and the lyrics were so incredibly empathetic to the way each personality thinks. I felt like, if nothing else, my empathy and understanding for all the other personalities increased.
I connected with the same song as I tested: two. Joseph, however, best connected with the three personality, and when we read the description, it fit him perfectly. The funny thing is that each of our wing (complementary) personalities is each other’s: Joseph’s wing personality is a two and mine is a three. So, even though we are not the same personality like we once thought, we understand each other well.
We are staying in Kansas tonight. Our campsite is a beautiful spot of land adjacent to a quiet lake. When we arrived, Joseph started on dinner while I set up the tent. We had turkey burgers and salad for dinner again, but tonight, Joseph got the burgers so hot that the cheese melted on top.
As the sun set, the trees became silhouettes against the purple clouds floating in the pink and orange streaked sky. As people packed up their fishing gear and left, the lake became as smooth as a mirror. Joseph and I strolled around the lake, listening to the sounds of the crickets as the lightning bugs danced around us. As the world darkened, we gazed up at bright crescent moon. The sky stretched on forever, cluttered with the brilliance of billions of dazzling stars.
We are so small in this world, in this galaxy, in this universe. Under a sky like that, I couldn’t help but feel just how insignificant I am in the grand scheme of life.
But, as just a small bit of the universe, that also makes me a part in the most significant thing we know. Just as there are trillions of stars above my head, there are trillions of cells within me. Every day, new cells and stars are created, and every day, cells and stars die. Scientists still cannot fathom the complexities of the cosmic universe, but inside me, and inside every person, is a complex universe of our own, filled with mystery and beauty too wondrous to comprehend.
Though we may be small, we are anything but insignificant. We are a beautiful work of art, a masterful creation, designed with purpose.
When we arrived back at our campsite, we had dessert: the Rice Krispies treats I made before this trip. And then, with our stomachs full and dessert cravings satisfied, we climbed into our sleeping bags for some much needed rest.
