Lifestyle, My Life, Relationship

Surprise at High Meadow

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By Joseph Mauler

“Joseph, we can’t plan our first dance. One of us has to surprise the other.”

The night sky was clear, stars littering the air all above us. The hood of my car kept bending under the weight of our bodies. Maybe laying on the hood of my car would damage it, but I’ve waited for a moment like this for too long. I didn’t give it a second thought.

I don’t know how many nights I laid on the ground, looking into this sprinkled sky. Even though the view was always breathtaking, I couldn’t escape the gaping hole of loneliness I felt every night prior to this one.

I turned away from the beautiful stars to something way more beautiful.

“I guess you’re right,” I laughed. “I always try to plan everything in my life. Even the special things.”

“Well, Joseph…” She was able to look into my eyes because the stars lit up our faces. “Thank you for this tonight. This is special and you surprised me.”

“Would you like to go for a hike today? I know this one trail that leads to a pavilion and it is really pretty.” She nodded her head, fresh in love after just two months of dating me.

Getting out of my car, I slipped my small Bose MicroLink speaker into my pocket without her seeing.

The hike was a quarter-mile up a steep hill to a pavilion surrounded by a field of tall grass in the middle of the woods. The pavilion was called “High Meadow.”

“This is so pretty!” She looked into my eyes again with that look.

I slipped out my speaker and said, “Well, you said we had to surprise each other for that first dance.” Her face brightened even more.

I put on “Could I Love You Any More?” by Reneé Dominique and Jason Mraz, which had just recently released three days prior. We had listened to it way more than three times already. I think it was a pretty good song pick for our first dance.

She took hold of me and we had our first dance, underneath that pavilion on that June day, with the smell of summer fresh in our noses. I don’t remember the last time I was happy like this before I started dating her, but I’ll never forget how she took hold of my heart forever.

I already knew from the moment I fell in love with her that I was going to marry her, but now I also already knew how I was going to propose.

After the novel coronavirus in 2020, I don’t think anybody had a normal vacation. After not seeing each other for most of March and April, Tyler and I had not had a lot of time to enjoy our relationship. Finally, in June, Tyler had a great idea.

“What if I take off work next week and we have a ‘staycation?’” Tyler asked.

“What is a ‘staycation?’” I laughed.

“You act as if you are on vacation at your house. You do things you don’t ordinarily do during your normal week around your state. I don’t have to work on my business this week and it would be fun,” she explained.

“Well, you taking off work sounds fantastic,” I said through a smile because Tyler is most certainly a workaholic. “Let’s do it.”

I planned on asking her to marry me later in the summer, but the timing felt too right. I had already bought the ring three weeks ago and asked her father for permission to marry her. I decided I was going to ask her the big question by the end of the week. It was going to be in that pavilion we had our first dance like I had planned all along.

We started off our week to a rainy and lazy Tuesday, watching our favorite TV shows and cooking. But to make this proposal one that would surprise her, I had to throw her off the scent.

“Hey Ty, we should browse more for rings. Want to go to that ring shop near my house this week?” I mean, what better way to throw her off the scent?

“Sure, we can go tomorrow,” she said.

When we were at the ring shop on Wednesday, my stomach dropped because I didn’t consider the fact she could change her mind on the ring she wanted. As we entered the store, I tried to play it cool.

After browsing some rings, Tyler asked the clerk, “Can you size me? I haven’t gotten officially sized.” The man nodded and quickly grabbed the box full of every size ring.

Pick size six. Pick size six. Pick size six. 

“Well, size six is way too big for you,” the clerk said, taking off the size 6 ring and reaching back into his box. “Let’s try something smaller.”

As we jumped backed into my Mazda 30 minutes later, Tyler turned from the passenger seat.

“I want the ring we picked out a couple months ago. It’s the ring. But now we know I’m a size five.” A wave of relief washed over me knowing I did purchase the ring she wanted, as well as another wave of anxiety over the fact I bought the wrong size. I figured it was good I was asking this week because I had only bought the ring three weeks ago, so I was still eligible to return it if needed.

With full confidence that I was going to ask her in a couple of days, I texted my brother Jon, who is a professional photographer. “You free this weekend? I may want you for pictures if you know what I mean.” Because I had told him only two weeks ago I had Tyler’s ring, he responded with several exclamation marks.

Now that Jon was in to take our pictures as well as decorate the pavilion, I needed to find a way to get Tyler there without her suspecting a proposal.

On Friday, Tyler and I went to Western Maryland for our first of many road trips. Once we were comfortable in our seats for our three hour drive, I turned down the music.

“What if we had a fancy picnic this week?” I asked.

“Well, sure. I mean, where would you want to have a picnic?” she responded. “I don’t really have any dresses with me either.” She did not seem to be very enthusiastic about the idea.

“Well, I was thinking we could hike to that pavilion where we had our first dance. Actually, I looked at the calendar this morning and it has been one year since our first dance. It’s almost poetic, you know?”

“Oh! And then we can go to the farmers market and buy fresh ingredients! We should buy wine, too!” Tyler changed from indifference to eagerness. This was too perfect.

“We are about to pass the exit for your apartment, should we stop by there to pick up some dresses for you?” I asked quickly, as I saw her exit approaching on Route 695.

“Yes, it’s right here, get off!” she shouted.

With a quick check to my right, I crossed over five lanes of traffic and barely made it.

When we were browsing her closet for dresses, she pulled out an orange sundress. When I saw it, I knew that was the dress.

“I bought this just for you,” Tyler said. “I actually haven’t worn it yet.” She showed me the price tag still attached.

Everything was falling into place. The plan was that Jon and his wife, Becca, would go to High Meadow on Saturday, which was the day before I planned to propose, to set up the pavilion with sunflowers (her favorite flower). They surprised me by decorating the whole pavilion with more than I expected, including a blanket they bought that said, “Of all the walks we have taken, this one is my favorite.” That was perfect for avid hikers like Tyler and me.

On Sunday, all that was left was getting there without her suspecting anything. After we had picked up our ingredients from a local farmer’s market along with some wine, we got ready. When I walked into the bathroom, Tyler turned and looked at me.

“Wow! You are really dressed up!” she said.

“Yup,” I responded with pride.

“Do you like what I am wearing?” She looked at me expectantly wearing a casual blue dress, not the orange sundress she told me she was going to wear.

Even though Tyler looks amazing in sweatpants, I knew it was not the dress she would want to wear for her engagement photos. So, with a gulp, I said, “Well…it’s okay…”

“Do you want me to change?” Tyler asked with a surprised tone, since this was the first time I had ever said anything like this.

“Yes.” I said. “Actually yes, I do.” I had to get her into that orange sundress.

When we pulled the dress out of her bag, she exclaimed, “Joseph, it’s all wrinkly!”

“I will iron it!” I announced as I pulled out my iron in the closet and began to straighten it.

As she was getting dressed, I slid silently into the other room to grab the ring. I hid it in a drawer right beside the bed she had been sleeping in for the last couple weeks. Along with most things with this proposal, I had taken a risk.

I ran downstairs and shoved the box into the pile of blankets we were going to take.

When we hopped in the car, I noticed she was wearing her normal, sporty flip flops.

“Hey, where are your nice flip flops?” I asked.

“They are in the house,” she explained with annoyance.

“I will go get them!” I shouted as I ran inside.

Because I had been acting so strange about the clothes Tyler was supposed to wear, the 30-minute drive to the trailhead was silent and extremely awkward. I kept trying to make small talk, but I knew Tyler was analyzing why I was acting so weird.

When we were exiting the car, I realized I had made a humongous mistake. I forgot I hid the ring box in the blankets, not the picnic basket. I couldn’t carry both the blankets and the picnic basket, but I couldn’t ask her to carry the heavy picnic basket while I carried the light blankets.

I turned to Tyler with the pile of blankets, her engagement ring stuffed inside. “Here, you can carry this.”

As the realization hit me that the ring box could fall out at any moment, my heart beat faster than ever before in my life.

“You can walk ahead of me.” I said, knowing that if it did fall out, I had to be ready. I thought my heart was going to jump out of my chest. Just get there. Don’t fall out. Just get there. Don’t fall out.

After seemingly four years of walking up the steep trail we hiked up one year ago, we finally reached the pavilion a quarter-mile from the trailhead. As we approached the pavilion, Tyler looked confused.

“It looks like someone is having an event here. Do you know what’s going on?”

“No,” I responded. “Maybe someone is having a wedding here or something. It doesn’t look like anyone is here.”

“Look, there’s sunflowers!” Tyler exclaimed with a smile as we walked into the pavilion.

“Yeah, someone really set this up,” I responded, trying to hide any sign I was behind all of this. “Look, Tyler, I know someone else is using this pavilion. But it’s too perfect. We have to dance to our song. Then, we can leave and picnic somewhere else.”

I quickly turned on “Could I Love You Any More?” on the same speaker I surprised her with last year. With my adrenaline pumping, I grabbed her hand and danced with her to a song we have listened to so many times together.

“Oh, Tyler, there’s people coming, let’s go!” I said in the middle of the song to confuse her even more. Then, I quickly said, “Oh, never mind, there’s no one there.” Even until the last minute, I was acting to make this one hell of a surprise.

As the song came to a close, I gave a very deep sigh and turned off the speaker.

“Tyler I have a demand, a confession, and a question,” I said looking into her now very confused face. “The demand is that you stand right here.” I positioned her in the middle of the pavilion. “My confession is that I did this,” I said with a smirk.

“When did you do this?!” Tyler blurted out.

“And my question is…” I grabbed the ring from the blankets and knelt in front of her, “Will you marry me?”

I always try to plan everything in my life. Even the special things.

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Lifestyle, My Life

15 songs I listened to on repeat this summer

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The summer is almost over, which means it’s nearly time for cozy sweaters and pumpkin spice lattes. It also means that the music scene is about to change from carefree beats to more sentimental tunes.

However, there are a few more warm days left. So, until the leaves start to change, I am going to keep listening to my summer vibe playlist, and I thought I would share it with you to enjoy, too. I have to warn you now: not all the songs are upbeat, but they make up the soundtrack of my summer of 2020.

I hope you enjoy it! Please feel free to share your favorite summer vibe songs in the comment below – I would love to add them to my listening queue.

Summer Vibes Playlist

1. Here Comes the Sun by The Beatles

I can’t go more than a few days of summer without listening to this classic goodie. Yes, finally, the summer is here, and the sun is out. It’s time to slow down and just enjoy life a little more. 

2. The 1 by Taylor Swift (E)

Aptly named as the first song in her surprise new album, The 1 by Taylor Swift is the perfect introduction to an album with a completely different vibe than the artist’s previous works. It’s a bittersweet, regretful, lost love song that I can’t stop listening to.

3. Sleep on the Floor by The Lumineers

Me and my team at the Fred and Pamela Buffet Cancer Center in Nebraska during 4K for Cancer 2019

Something that characterized this summer for me was travel and adventure. I have always wanted to travel, but have never had the means or the time. This summer, I finally had the chance to explore the world outside of my comfort zone, and it was even better than I had expected. This song by The Lumineers is my favorite song to listen to while traveling. It was introduced to me by one of my teammates on 4K for Cancer in summer of 2019, and I can’t help but have joyful tears come to my eyes when I listen to it and think back to that crazy adventure.

4. Be Kind by Halsey and Marshmello

Halsey has been one of my favorite artists since she started creating music. Her lyrics are always pure poetry. This collaboration with Marshmello is an upbeat song with a deeper meaning that touches on how we tend to hurt the ones who love us best.

5. Don’t Stop Me Now by Queen

It doesn’t matter the time of year or what I have planned for the day – this is always my favorite song to start my day with. It’s the song that always pumps me up and helps me feel ready for my day. 

6 Wishing Well by Juice WRLD (E)

Juice WRLD passed away in December of last year due to an accidental overdose. However, his music has still continued to be released since then, and some of the songs, like this one, reveal just how much the young rapper was struggling. It’s an eye-opening song about depression and addiction set to a deceptively cheery beat. 

7. Thunder by Imagine Dragons

In addition to “Don’t Stop Me Now” by Queen, this is the other tune I always turn to for a little motivation. It featured frequently on my summer queue this year as I struggled with unemployment and began to explore my passions more.

8. It’s Hard to be Human by Kina Grannis

This truly was the vibe of 2020, wasn’t it? It’s hard to be human, but luckily, it’s an experience we all can understand and empathize with. We’re all in this together.

9. I’m Alive (Life Sounds Like) by Michael Franti and Spearhead

The proposal 7/14/20 – Photo by Jon Mauler

I got engaged this summer! I can’t say too much about this song – stay tuned to the blog for more sneak peaks and details about Joseph’s and my 2021 wedding. This is just a little taste.

10. Reckless Love/Even If by Mass Anthem

“Even If” by MercyMe will always be the Christian song that touches my heart most. It was the song that changed my life. “Reckless Love” by Cory Asbury was the song I sang throughout my college years with my friends when we worshipped at Campus Crusade for Christ (CRU) club meetings. The combination of the two creates a song that never fails to bring tears to my eyes. During the hard moments this summer, this was the song I listened to for solace and comfort.

11. Colorado by CHAPPY

The highlight of my summer (besides, of course, getting engaged) was the road trip to Colorado with my new fiancé. This song was the soundtrack of our trip.

12. Own Alone by Bahamas

This was a song Joseph introduced me to, and I just can’t help continuing to listen to it. It has such a unique sound and fun beat; it always makes me smile.

13. How Many Times by Marcus Foster

This song is a bit more chill than some of the others on this list. It’s the perfect summer vibe song for a lazy afternoon in the sun.

14. In the Colors by Ben Harper and the Innocent Criminals

Joseph and me on the top of Mount Royal in Frisco, Colorado

This was Joseph’s and my summer vibe song. We listened to it quite a few times while spending time together in all the colors of summer. 

15. Yellow Lines by Brendan James

Here’s one more of my favorite travel songs because I really did spend much of this summer traveling, specifically road-tripping. Driving along those yellow lines, this was the song I listened to most. This summer, I embarked on many adventures, not just in the places that I went, but in the new, life-changing steps I took in my relationship and career. It was a summer filled with long roads that lead to endless possibilities. 

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Travel

Pennsylvania day trip

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When the novel coronavirus changed the world in March, it was difficult to imagine what a future would look like. I took my life day by day, watching, observing, and trying to construct some form of comfort and continuity in my life. 

In the five months that have passed since that time, it has still been a struggle to find solace in a world that is rapidly changing around me. I have spent far too much time trying to plan for a future that is still mostly unknown. The few things that have brought me some consolation are the people in my life and the adventures I have taken now that my schedule is oddly free. It was these two things that brought me to Pennsylvania.

Traveling during the coronavirus can be daunting, especially when restrictions are constantly changing. However, after checking the latest travel restrictions this past week, I made plans to visit the state just next door to me where two people I was very excited to see are currently living. 

Since the start of the pandemic, I have not seen any friends in person. Apart from my new fiancé and a few of his family members, I have socially distanced myself from everyone. I have heard it has been suggested to call social distancing “physical distancing” to encourage people to still have social interactions through less conventional means, such as Zoom or FaceTime. Unfortunately, in my case, physical distancing really did become social distancing – text messages went unanswered and video calls became less frequent as people have grown tired of the constant screen time and so little authentic time spent with people. 

Caitlin & me at Stevenson University’s Relay for Life in 2018

So, when Caitlin and Mark agreed to meet for dinner in their town of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, I jumped at the chance to do a little more traveling and see two people I have dearly missed.

Caitlin and I became friends my first year at Stevenson University, and we have been close ever since. She invited me to come with her to Campus Crusade for Christ, an organization on campus focused on helping college students grow in their faith. It was there that I met Mark, who was one of the leaders in the club. The following year, Caitlin and Mark started dating. It was obvious from the beginning of their relationship that the two of them were perfect for one another. This past June, just 10 days after my own engagement, Mark proposed. So, this dinner was not just one to catch up, but to celebrate the life milestone we had all taken very recently. 

Joseph and I woke up early Saturday morning to get a jumpstart on our traveling. It is on our bucket list to visit all 50 states, and this was our chance to cross Pennsylvania off our list. 

In order to officially say we visited a state, there are a couple of things we have agreed we need to do. We have to explore a main street, eat (or drink) at a local restaurant, hike at a national park, and visit a tourist or scenic spot. Once we have done all of these things, we can go to a local Starbucks to buy our “Been There” series mug.

So far this summer, we have visited Colorado, Maryland and Virginia. Suffice it to say, I was very excited to add a fourth mug to our collection that has been growing on my windowsill. 

Our first stop was Gettysburg National Military Park, a place shrouded in American history. The morning was thankfully still cool when we began our relaxed, four-mile hike on the Johnny Reb Trail. The paved path wound through cemeteries and monuments commemorating the lives of fallen soldiers and to tell the story of the Battle of Gettysburg. Stone statues marked the spots where the infantry moved during the fight. According to the National Park Service website, the Battle of Gettysburg was a turning point during the Civil War that helped secure the eventual victory of the Union. Known for being the bloodiest battle of the Civil War, it was this particular battle that inspired President Lincoln’s famous “Gettysburg Address.” 

Our next stop was Starbucks. It was a little early in the day to already be buying our mug, but we knew we wouldn’t check off all our destinations until that night, and since it was now late morning, we were both desperate for coffee. We bought our mug and two lattes, and then we headed to downtown Gettysburg to walk Steinwehr Avenue, our main street of choice for the day.

While we had been hiking, I had seen people dressed in nineteenth-century style clothing. I had assumed these people were tour guides or people doing reenactments at the park. However, as we walked down the street, we saw multiple people dressed in the same garb. Some played the part of their costume, talking as if they had just stepped off the battlefield, while others I caught checking their cell phones that they had hidden away in their petticoats. Either way, their attire alongside the classic architecture and shops filled with historical artifacts created an immersive experience I thoroughly enjoyed. 

After walking around town, we drove to Lancaster. Our dinner reservation was not for a few hours, but we had bought tickets to ride on the Strasburg Railroad, the oldest continuously operating railroad in the country. According to the Strasburg Railroad website, the railroad was founded in 1832 to transport both freight and passengers across Pennsylvania. Neither Joseph nor I had ever ridden on a train before. We excitedly boarded the bright red locomotive and sat across from each other on the bench seats. When the whistle blew and the train chugged out of the station, we stuck our heads out of the windows to feel the wind against our faces and to watch the corn fields whizz past. 

While riding, we were treated to learning a bit of Pennsylvania history, culture and superstition. We were told that it had been this train that had taken Abraham Lincoln and his wife, Mary, to his inauguration in 1861. Unfortunately, a mere four years later, it was also the train that had taken Mary and the body of the deceased president back home. Out our windows, we were able to see Amish farmers working in the fields while we learned from our tour guide about the plain lifestyle. Almost halfway through our trip, the train came to a full stop, and our guide encouraged us to be very quiet so we could hear the ghost whistle of the engine on the Lancaster, Oxford and Southern Railway, which has been out of service since 1918. Our train’s whistle pierced the air, and without a second’s delay, another whistle answered. 

“Is it an echo,” I asked Joseph at the same time he turned to me and posed the same question.

“Did someone ask if it was an echo,” our tour guide asked jovially over the loudspeaker. “I am so disappointed. We pay that farmer 27 dollars a day just to whistle back at us.”  I laughed, unsure if the guide was joking or not. I guess we will never know for sure if it is an echo, another whistle, or if there really is a ghost locomotive riding the rails in Pennsylvania.

We had a little extra time between the end of our ride and dinner, so we headed to downtown Lancaster to walk another main street. As soon as we stepped out of the car, a candy store caught my eye. I ran to it like an excited child while Joseph lagged behind. 

Sweetish Candy is a Swedish candy and hygge shop that sells imported Scandinavian goods, including a plethora of sweets made with wholesome ingredients. Entranced by all the goodies, we bought two bars of Icelandic bitter chocolate made with Icelandic sea salt and bourbon vanilla. After spending so much time roaming around the shop we had very little left to explore the main street, so we headed back to our car to go to dinner. A nearby gas station bathroom served as our spot to get ready, so when we walked into the restaurant, we looked as if we had not been running around in the humid Pennsylvania heat all day.

We met Cait and Mark at Loxley’s, a popular, upscale restaurant in Pennsylvania. To enter, we walked across a bridge that overlooked a manmade pond filled with ginormous lily pads and big, bright orange fish. Our friends, who had arrived a few minutes before us, were seated on the patio outside. We greeted each other with hugs and exclamations of congratulations. As our waiter, Jonah, served us drinks and appetizers, Caitlin and I studied each other’s rings while we all had the chance to share the stories of our proposals and how life and wedding planning has been going since then. Once dinner was served, we turned the conversation to what post-graduation life has been like, to our work lives, and to sharing how general life during a pandemic has affected each of us. The world grew dark around us as we continued talking long after the plates had been cleared and our glasses had emptied, enjoying the experience of finally being able to talk with close friends without a screen placed between us. 

As Cait and I both began to yawn, Joseph and Mark called an end to the evening. We hugged goodbye, promising to visit again soon, and then each returned to our own cars. On the drive home, I felt a sense of peace that I have not yet experienced since the beginning of the pandemic. Life has not returned to normal, and I don’t think it ever will, but the day’s adventures had been a reassurance that this new way of living can still be just as enjoyable and exciting.

Traveling through a place filled with history was a reminder to me of just how much the world has changed and how much it will continue to change throughout my life. Walking around town surrounded by people in bonnets and top hats reminded me that wearing a mask is simply the latest change in fashion, and to be perfectly honest, I would happily choose to wear that than the corsets I saw those other women donning. Like the first gunshot fired during a war, the novel coronavirus changed the world as we know it forever, and we are now in the midst of understanding what this new world will be like. However, in the thick of all this uncertainty, there are two things I now know for sure that have given me hope: First, that life is always changing, so the best way to live life to the fullest is to embrace the new and seek to find ways to still confront and encounter even more novel experiences. And secondly, it will always be the people in my life and the relationships I have built that will bring me comfort in times of elation and struggle, and though it may try, social distancing cannot take that away from me. 

Life is not what it used to be, but hopefully, with a little mindset shift and perhaps a little extra effort, we can make it even better than what we ever envisioned.

P.S. Joseph has launched his vlog! Check out his perspective of today’s events by watching the video below. If you like it, please consider subscribing to his YouTube channel – every follow helps.

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Travel

Colorado road trip: Day 16

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After nearly two-and-a-half weeks, our road trip adventure has come to an end.

Our morning began at a popular rest stop parking lot in Ohio. We did a quick bodyweight workout to get our muscles stretched and moving before the long car ride we had planned. While I was getting ready, Joseph found a coffee vending machine that gave us the delicious elixir for a fraction of the price we normally pay. Armed with caffeine and a sugary breakfast, we began our trip home.

Our main objective today, besides driving home, was to pick up my engagement ring. After nearly a month, it was finally ready for pick-up. The only problem was this: The ring store closed at six o’clock, which gave us very little time to rest during our drive. We knew we could make it, but we had to skip lunch to do it. This, however, seemed like a small price to pay for finally having the symbol of our engagement back where it belonged.

The unfortunate roadblock to our success came at three o’clock. Joseph received a phone call from Stevenson University, which seemed odd to both of us because he graduated from that school in May. When Joseph answered, we discovered it was a call from the security office. 

“I just received a call from a gentleman in Pennsylvania who has found your wallet,” the security officer said. Joseph and I both looked at each other in shock, and then, as if it were even possible to find it, we began looking around the car for the misplaced item. 

“I’m not sure if you even knew it was missing,” the security officer continued. 

“No, I didn’t,” Joseph said as reality set in for both of us. We had stopped for gas in Pennsylvania…three hours ago. 

The security officer gave us the phone number of the man who found the wallet. Joseph called the number, but the man, identified as Cliff by his voicemail, did not answer. We began the drive back, hoping to receive a return call soon.

As actuality of what was happening finally set in, I began to cry. I was disappointed about the ring, of course, but I was more upset because I believed that it was my fault. Joseph had given me his wallet to fill up the car with gas while he visited the restroom. I realized that I must have left it at the pump, which meant that the added six hours of driving, the lost opportunity to pick up my ring, and the little rest and recovery we were actually going to get tonight were my fault. 

Joseph tried in vain to console me as I sobbed in the seat beside him. I could see he was close to laughing about the situation, but I could not seem to join him in his amusement. 

We received a call about 30 minutes into our drive from Cliff. He was a kind, older gentleman who lived in Pennsylvania. He said he had found the wallet on an on-ramp to the highway. Confused by this, Joseph and I both looked at each other. 

“We must have left it on top of the car,” Joseph said, which begged a new question: Which of us left it there? Did I put the wallet there while trying to purchase gas? Or did I return the wallet to Joseph, when he had been unable to find a restroom, and then he put it on the car while he finished pumping the gas? 

After we told Cliff how far away we were, he told us it did not make much sense for us to drive all that way. 

“I will just mail it to you tomorrow,” he said. A spark of hope ignited in both of our hearts. We thanked him profusely, and as Joseph gave Cliff his address, he drove the car onto an exit to turn it back in the direction of Zales.

We lost an hour of driving, but we were both now in happier spirits. Not knowing who left the wallet was the best situation because both of us have a tendency to be angry at ourselves but almost never at the other person. We could not help but laugh and shake our heads at the irony of losing his wallet on the last day of our trip.

We arrived at Zales with thirty minutes to spare. At last, my ring was returned to where it belonged. I did not realize how much I had missed it until I had it back. It seems so simple, so insignificant, but it honestly feels like the last part that was missing inside of me has fallen back into place. This ring is a reminder and a symbol of the promise I have made. It brings me joy every time I look at it. 

Our beautiful engagement pictures were taken by the very talented Jon Mauler. To see more of his incredible work, visit his website: https://www.jonmauler.com/

The rest of the ride home was uneventful. We sipped on lattes even though it was far too late to drink espresso; at our level of exhaustion, nothing was going to keep us awake tonight. We listened to music and savored our last few moments together before life became normal once again.

“What should be our final song,” Joseph asked me minutes before arriving home. Music was one of the first things we ever connected on, and it has remained a core part of our relationship. We have a theme song for nearly every moment spent together. 

“You choose,” I told him. I trust his taste in music as much I trust him with my future.

A moment later, he had turned on the song Colorado by CHAPPY. As I knew it would be, this song was the perfect choice. We listened together, thinking back over all of our memories: The mountain hikes; strolling main streets with coffee in hand; our fights and our moments of bliss; the long drives; camping under the stars; exploring the wilderness outside and within ourselves, and finding it was much less intimidating than we thought; and our perfect moment beneath the fireworks, a celebration and a resolution to an unforgettable journey.

Our travels were filled with twists and turns. It had metaphorical and physical mountains we had to climb and conquer, which lead to views and resolutions too incredible to describe. When we began this trip, I thought it was just going to be a celebration of our engagement. I did not realize that we were both looking for something when we embarked on this adventure. 

The song ended with the sentiment, “I am unfinished. Yes, I am not done. Still, it’s up here in the mountains, I defined my home.” As the final chord struck, Joseph turned to me. 

“And it’s you,” he said. “You are my home.” I smiled as we pulled onto the road leading to my house. 

“You are my home and my adventure all at once,” I told him. 

This chapter of my story has ended. I cannot wait to write the next one with him.

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Travel

Colorado road trip: Day 15

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I did not realize how clean and refreshing the air in Colorado was until I woke up this morning in a hot, sweaty car, condensation dripping down the windows in the muggy Kansas morning air. I was covered in bug bites thanks to the mosquito that decided to sleep with me last night. I longed so much to return to the mountains of Colorado, but this was the morning of our  second day driving back to Maryland.

Joseph and I started the day with a 5K run around the lake we slept next to. The humidity we had forgotten was heavy in our lungs. We were dripping in sweat only a mile into the run. Nevertheless, we pushed through, and at the end we rewarded ourselves with an unconventional bath in the lake. Joseph had the smart idea of placing our soap and loofah in one of our plastic food containers; it served as a makeshift bath caddy that floated in the water next to us.

The water actually felt refreshing after our run. I was reluctant to get out, but we had a long day of driving ahead of us. Our hope was to make it to Columbus, Ohio, which was eleven hours away. To do this, we would also be crossing over a time zone line, which meant we were going to lose an hour of daylight. But, we were determined to get as close to Maryland as possible so we had less driving tomorrow. Our main motivation for this was to pick up my engagement ring. Our route home is supposed to take us through the town the store is in, but if we don’t get there by six o’clock tomorrow evening, we won’t have a chance to pick it up for at least another week. 

We began the drive, both tired from the previous long day of traveling. For much of the morning and afternoon, we were quiet. We listened to podcasts and music, and we tried to relax as much as we could while our backs ached from sitting for so long.

Near the end of the afternoon, we decided to listen to a podcast about my enneagram. The enneagram is a personality test that Joseph and I were interested in at the beginning of this trip. We both figured out which enneagram we are (I am a two and Joseph is a three), but after that, Joseph did much more soul-searching and discovering than I did. A week ago, he mentioned a podcast he wanted to listen to with me about my own personality, but I had put it off until today. 

It was illuminating. I feel like I have not understood myself until this moment in my life. Everything about my actions, my motivations, and my thoughts actually makes sense now. The thing that characterizes twos is their desire to give and receive love, which is so strong that it can be achieved in unhealthy ways, such as neglecting self-care and manipulating others. The way to solve this is to make time for taking care of one’s own needs, which then gives the two enough energy to give more love to others without expecting anything in return.

As I have mentioned a few times, I have been struggling with my health for the past year. One of the main reasons for this is because I let it get so much worse than it needed to before finally dealing with it. I thought it was selfish to spend the time and money to take care of myself, as well as to express any needs I had to others. However, because of this, I felt so unfulfilled in the last year because I did not have any energy to engage in the normal service and giving that I am used to doing. I always felt like I was not doing enough for others, which only fueled my disappointment in myself. This, in turn, demotivated me even more to take care of myself.

It has been a vicious cycle, but I am learning now that it is important to love myself in order to love others well. It is the message I have been trying to grasp onto in the last year, but I think now I finally understand it. 

The most important thing that I have to remember is this: While loving relationships are important, God is my source of love and care. He gives me everything I need. He loves me unconditionally. I do not need love from others to fill my cup; He is what sustains me. He delights in me and who I am because He created me. And He wants me to rest when I need to and to take care of myself so that I am able to do the work He has created me for.

I was honestly disappointed about the idea of going home after such an amazing trip, but having this knowledge fills me with such excitement about my future. I think something finally clicked into place, and now I feel like myself again. 

After learning more about my enneagram, Joseph and I talked more deeply about  each of our personalities. I find it interesting how we approach so much of life similarly, yet for such different motivations. It is important to me to serve others, both because I am filled by loving others and because I have an intrinsic belief that this is how I will receive love (which is not necessarily true). Joseph wants to serve others because he believes that is the ultimate way to live, and he is motivated by his desire for personal achievement and to not disappoint others or himself. On the outside, it looks as if we are doing the same thing, but on the inside, we have two very different internal battles taking place.

One of the most important things for any relationship is communication. The fact that we know about each others’ personalities, motivations, and thought processes helps us to have better empathy and compassion for each other. I feel that this trip has helped us both understand one another on such a deeper level, and I am excited to see what impact that will have on our future together.

Joseph and I stopped for dinner at a rest stop. We watched the sunset, feeling content and satisfied. This trip has been an amazing journey for so many reasons. We have learned more about ourselves, each other, and who we are together. 

Based on what I have discovered, I could not be more enthusiastic and hopeful about our future together.

P.S. There will be more to come on the enneagram soon, and a little challenge for you! Check out the blog next week for my journey deeper into self-discovery and, hopefully, actualization.

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Colorado road trip: Day 10

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Be courageous.

When I woke up this morning, the shirt I changed into was the one I earned last summer when I ran across the country with the Ulman Foundation. It’s a bright yellow shirt, with the words “Be Courageous” emblazoned on the front in dark blue letters. It’s one of my favorite shirts, one that always reminds me of the feat I accomplished last year and that serves as a helpful reminder for my life. 

Already feeling encouraged, I excitedly began my day, even though the difficulties of this trip were starting to get to both Joseph and me. Our biggest complaint today was how badly we needed to shower. The way we smelled was starting to offend even us, so I can only imagine what other people thought. My feet, the one part of me I had not been able to get clean even in our makeshift outdoor showers, were caked in dirt. 

Luckily, we reserved an Airbnb for tonight in Denver. For much of our day, instead of being excited about the adventures we were experiencing, we were most looking forward to showering. Every hour, Joseph gave me the countdown of how long it would be until we would be clean again. 

We started our day with an easy two-and-a-half-mile hike with a view of the mountains in the background. We then stopped at a local library so I could teach a yoga class via Zoom, and then we headed to Chautauqua Park for a more strenuous afternoon hike. 

Per a local’s suggestion, we did the Flatiron trail. It was another two-and-a-half-mile hike, but this one had an elevation of over 1,400 feet. The trail took us straight up the side of the mountain with no place to rest. Breathing heavily, we managed to keep conversation going as we scaled the rocky landscape. 

“Is it worth it,” Joseph jokingly asked some hikers on their way down the trail.

“Oh, yes,” one woman said. “The view is always worth it.”

She was not wrong. Joseph and I sat at the top, feeling accomplished and satisfied. The flatirons resembled rockslides caught at a single, picturesque moment and left that way for eternity. The rocks formations slanted against the mountainside, creating three, nearly identical plates. In the distance, we could see the mountain we hiked yesterday against the backdrop of taller, snowier peaks. 

The trip down was long and tiring. My legs were shaking from the amount of exertion I have placed on them over the last few days. I was definitely ready for a good night’s rest. 

We ate a quick picnic lunch in the park, and then we began the drive to Denver. On the way, we stopped at a Starbucks to purchase lattes and the souvenir I have been most excited about. Last year during 4K for Cancer, one of my teammates, Illona, told me about the mugs she buys at Starbucks everywhere she visits. Each mug is designed for the particular city, state or country the Starbucks is located at, with the name of the place and images reminiscent of different landmarks located there. As a world traveler, she had mugs from many different countries. She told me how, when she had guests, she coyly would ask them from where they would like to drink their coffee: Paris? California? And then she would serve them coffee in the corresponding mug.

I thought it was such a cute idea at the time. Then, as Joseph and I grew more serious in our relationship, I thought it was the perfect souvenir for us to get on all of our travels together. We are avid coffee drinkers, and Starbucks stores are everywhere. We were bound to dip into one on all of our future travels at some point, so why not get a corresponding mug from each place to make a collection? 

The Colorado mug is the first of our collection. I can’t wait to see how many other mugs we will add to the shelf in our future home.

Our Airbnb was tall, blue house in a nice neighborhood just twenty minutes outside of Denver. The first and most important thing on both of our agendas was taking a shower. Joseph went first, and he came back looking refreshed, his shin a couple shades lighter now that the dirt was scrubbed from it. 

“I feel like a new man,” he told me. “I feel like we are a different species now.” 

I jumped up eagerly, grabbed my toiletries, and went into the bathroom. I turned the water the temperature up as hot as I could stand, and then I let it cascade down me, watching dirt run off my skin and into the drain. I massaged my head with shampoo until my fingers were numb, and then I scrubbed my skin until it felt raw. Even after all that, I’m not sure I was entirely clean, but I finally felt human again. I can’t even express how revitalizing that shower was. After ten days without one, it felt like a luxury.

Joseph and I relaxed in the room in our sweats until it was time to get ready for dinner. I had searched for the best places to eat in Denver and then carefully scanned the menus of each place for something I could eat on my new, restrictive diet. I found two places, and yesterday, Joseph and I made reservations at Roxy on Broadway. 

We dressed up in fancy clothes, he in khakis and a button-down red and black plaid shirt, and I in my classic little black dress. Feeling as if we were first-class citizens, not two young adults who had just spent the last week camping and sleeping in their car, we exited the house and approached our car. It seemed odd that we no longer matched our ride; while we had transformed our appearance in the matter of two hours, this car was a stark reminder of where we had actually come from, with its cracked windshield, duct-taped rooftop carrier, and dirt streaks. But this car had carried us all the way from Maryland to the last stop of this adventure; no other mode of transportation would be fitting to carry us to our celebratory dinner.

Roxy on Broadway was hidden away from the bustle of downtown Denver. With its garage-style door and simple, brick appearance, it could easily be overlooked. But inside, it was a 1920s era dream. Candle-lit chandeliers hung from the ceiling in front of the bar stacked with local liquors. Tables and chairs had been set up for customers to sit theatre-style in front of a small stage, where two musicians played. The menu featured classic prohibition-era cocktails, while the food was modern and diverse. 

The staff was pleasant and accommodating. When we had made a reservation, Joseph had written in the notes that I was on a low-FODMAP diet, something most people don’t and probably will never have to know about. While the menu featured multiple gluten-free and vegan options, it was difficult to be absolutely sure which selections would not aggravate my stomach. The chef, however, had already taken this into consideration. I was assured by our hostess upon arrival that he was fully aware of my needs. I ordered a kale salad, and the chef whipped up a homemade oil and vinegar dressing so that I could enjoy it without any adverse side effects. Meanwhile, Joseph enjoyed a pulled pork sandwich with a side of the best french fries I have ever tasted. They were substantial, crunchy on the outside, soft on the inside, and seasoned to perfection.

Joseph and I toasted all that we have accomplished and experienced together over these last few months in quarantine – his graduation, his birthday, and our engagement. It was our first drink together in a restaurant, and I am so glad we waited. It felt good to toast to life in a city a mile high in the sky. 

The musical entertainment for the night featured Erik Fellenstein, a Colorado local. He started his show with a guitar accompaniment, but the second half he performed by himself. Joseph and I stayed longer than expected to catch his full performance. We thoroughly enjoyed his jazzy, folksy style, and many times we caught ourselves laughing at his jokes. His songs were entertaining, both lyrically and instrumentally, and I was struck constantly by the breadth of his talent. He sang with soul, and he played the violin with a richness that is often lacking by musicians.

At the end of his performance, Joseph and I clapped with the rest of the crowd, sipped the last of our drinks, and then left to visit Larimer Square. To our disappointment, the lights strung across the street were still lit, but the shops were closed. Vowing to return tomorrow, we returned to our AirBnb for a much-needed night’s rest in a luxuriously warm and soft bed. 

Be courageous. It was the message on the shirt given to me after I had completed the most courageous adventure I have ever been on, and it is the message I still try to remind myself of every day. While 4K is still probably the most amazing feat I have ever accomplished, I have the opportunity every day to do something courageous. It took courage to go on this road trip, especially when I had just started such a strict and limiting diet for my health, which has been declining steadily for the past year. It took courage to have the tough conversations I have had with Joseph during our long car rides, and to explore deeper into my own psyche during those trying moments. It took courage to place my trust in another person, to be vulnerable with him, and to promise to spend the rest of my life with him, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health. 

These moments that take courage can be daunting at their best and absolutely petrifying at their worst, but as Joseph and I were reminded by that Boulder local during our hike today, the mountain is always worth the climb. The courage it takes is always worth the adventure it takes me on. 

Follow your dreams. Explore life outside of your comfort zone. Be courageous. You never know what amazing adventures life will have waiting for you when you do. 

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Colorado road trip: Day eight

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I woke up to the car door opening, which, under normal circumstances, would be alarming, but I knew instinctively who was entering. Joseph laid down in the backseat beside me and held me close to him.

“Tyler,” Joseph called quietly. I opened my eyes and looked up at him, waiting. 

“I had the conversation with myself,” he said, “and I’ve had it many, many times before. I can’t imagine doing life without you. I can’t imagine losing you.”

Yesterday’s conversation was rough, but I wouldn’t trade it for how I feel in our relationship now. Everyone gets “cold feet” after a big life decision, and getting engaged is one of the biggest decisions either of us have ever made. Yesterday’s conversation was the culmination of a long trip with little sleep and the doubts creeping in that everyone has but no one ever talks about. Now on the other side of that conversation, I feel that our relationship is even stronger than before. Our relationship is so much better because we were willing to be transparent with how we felt and to share our doubts and fears with one another. From this point on, we can grow together. 

Relationships are hard. I believe the key to making them just a bit easier is open communication. Yesterday’s conversation is actually one of the reasons why I am so confident in my relationship with Joseph and in our future together. We talk about everything. We are always honest with one another, and our communication is always focused on solving the problem and communicating with transparency and kindness, not in winning the argument. I know yesterday was not the last time we are going to have a tough conversation, but I am confident that, when future struggles arise, we are going to work through them together and our relationship will only become stronger. 

Super big thank you again to Jon Mauler for taking our engagement pictures! Look at more of his incredible work on his website, https://www.jonmauler.com/

We packed up the car and drove to a nearby Walmart to get ready. Just after exiting the car, we were greeted by a small mastiff puppy. Her owner ran up behind her, apologizing, but Joseph and I were much too involved in puppy cuddles to be bothered.

“What’s her name,” Joseph asked.

“Athena,” her owner said. “She’s six weeks old. She’s normally really shy around people, but they say dogs can tell who good people are, and she seems to like you two a lot.”

“Oh, well, we like her, too,” Joseph said, smiling. 

This, to me, felt like nothing but further confirmation in the resolution of our earlier relationship troubles. Two weeks ago, when we had been on a day trip, Joseph wanted to come up with adventure nicknames for us. He chose Raven, because he likes the poem “The Raven” by Edgar Allen Poe, and because he is RAVENous for adventure. Based on this, I chose Athena, because in the poem “The Raven” (which I also love), the raven lands on the bust of Pallas, a reference to Pallas Athena, the Greek goddess of wisdom. At first, I thought it sounded a bit conceited of me, but Athena was always my favorite of the Greek gods, and while Joseph is the one who is pushing us to try new things and go on new adventures, I feel like I am more often the voice of wisdom and calm that brings practicality to the journey. 

Athena, the puppy, ran to us, which confirmed to me that the energy between us was once again healed. Her name was just too perfect of a coincidence. While getting in some much needed puppy cuddle time, I exhaled my last little bit of unease from the previous days of this trip. Dogs really are the best source therapy. 

While I got ready in the Walmart bathroom, Joseph cleaned the car. We bought a few essentials, including bananas for breakfast, and then we were on our way. 

Our first stop was Garden of the Gods. The view did not disappoint. Instead of plunging into the ground, the canyons stood tall above us, towering with such majesty it was as if they belonged on Mount Olympus. My only complaints were that the heat was unbearable – it felt as if we were trying to breathe in an oven – and the trails were crowded with people. Joseph and I hurried through the main loop and then used a side trail to walk back to our car. I didn’t mind that so many people wanted to see the canyons, just as we did. It’s just that the magic of nature is somewhat diluted when they are surrounded by concrete paths and people taking photographs. 

As we walked back to our car, Joseph, who was in just as high of spirits as me, put his arm around my waist.

“I love you so much,” he said. “You are so inexpensive to me.” A pause followed this statement.

“Thanks,” I said sarcastically. He caught my tone and quickly realized his mistake. 

“Priceless,” he exclaimed. “I meant priceless!” 

It feels good for us to be back to normal. 

We tried to go to the visitors’ center, but the line was much too long and we were in a bit of a time crunch, so we headed straight to Bishop’s Castle instead. I had a fitness class scheduled over Zoom in just under two hours. As we drove along the mountain road, our phones lost signal, but we were hoping that we would be able to connect to wifi at the castle. To our dismay, when we arrived, we found the service was no better than before and the castle did not offer wifi. At this point, it had been about 45 minutes since we had service, and there was just about that much time until my class. We sped back down the mountain road, frustratedly backtracking on our road trip, until we found service just a few minutes before my class was about to start. Joseph drove the car onto a dirt side road, and I set up my laptop on the back of his car. It was an unconventional setting for a fitness class, but I am sure my students enjoyed the mountains in the background.

After the class, we ate a very late lunch and then drove back to Bishop Castle. As much as we hated having to drive the same route twice, the attraction was worth it.

Bishop Castle was constructed by one man, Jim Bishop, who has been building and adding to it for nearly 60 years. It’s the ultimate testament to perseverance. Joseph and I stood at the bottom, looking up at the monumental structure before us. The large stones adorned with ornate iron work gave the impression of elegance and sophistication. Upon entering the castle, we realized this was somewhat of a facade. The structure was amazing for two reasons, the first being that it was built by one man, and the second, that it did not completely collapse beneath us. We walked up the narrow stone steps to the towers built entirely by iron that shook  and swayed in the breeze. Our legs visibly shaking, we climbed to the tallest point and looked out at the mountains surrounding us. The view was incredible, but it was impossible to relax and enjoy it when we feared at any second we would be falling to our deaths. 

The castle was filled with different corridors leading to nausea-inducing spiral staircases, so it took us nearly an hour to explore. All the while, we were filled with nervous laughter and excitement. 

“The only thing to fear is fear itself,” Joseph called as we carefully stepped down iron steps that led to a stone platform without any railings. 

“I’m going to call B.S. on that one,” another visitor yelled out. “I think climbing tall, unstable towers like this are on the list of things to be afraid of.”

After Bishop castle, we began the three hour drive to Boulder, our last stop before our trip finale in Denver. When we arrived at our planned campsite, we were dismayed to see a sign that prohibited parking from dusk to dawn. To bolster our spirits, we each ate a Rice Krispies treat and took a quick stroll in the park to stretch our legs. Then, we got back on the road and drove another thirty minutes to a steep, mountain lane that led us to a lonely campsite in the forest. I set up the tent as Joseph made us grilled cheese sandwiches. We ate in the dark, sitting on the tarp in front of our tent, satisfied and relaxed.

I would be willing to experience a thousand days like yesterday to have just one day like today. It’s always so discouraging to have struggles in a relationship, but the growth we experience from those difficulties make all the other times spent together so much better. Every story has a setback; that’s what makes the comeback so sweet. As for Joseph’s and my journey…well, it’s still one of my favorite stories to tell.  

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Colorado road trip: Day seven

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Today, I finally woke up to the quintessential Colorado morning I have been waiting for. Shivering, I sat up in my sleeping bag, surrounded by pine trees and mountains adorned with snow. The air was clean and crisp in my lungs, leaving my body feeling refreshed and renewed. 

Joseph made us some coffee and we started driving. Our first stop today was Frisco. Originally, we had just planned on walking the main street, but last night, I found a short hike for us to do. Or, at least, I thought it would be a short hike. It was only four miles round trip. What I did not consider was that it was a hike up a mountain, and the reason the mileage was so short was because the trail went straight up with no place to rest or catch our breath. 

Mount Royal was one of the toughest but most rewarding hikes Joseph and I have done. Breathing heavily, we climbed the two miles upward, the equivalent of 140 floors on my FitBit watch. To put that into perspective, the empire state building is 102 floors. 

The view was more than worth it. On top of the summit, looking down on the world, we both felt accomplished and in awe of the beauty around us. From that height, the town of Frisco looked like a model village with little toy boats floating in the harbor. 

The trip down the mountain took us just as long as the hike up. It was not difficult, but the steep grade and loose rocks and dirt made it difficult to find our footing. Taking baby steps, we slipped and slid down the side of the mountain. About halfway down, Joseph was able to find some sticks that he fashioned into walking sticks, so the second half of the trek was much easier than the first.

On the way down, we met up with another couple from Maryland. Joseph excitedly announced to them that we are engaged, and they congratulated us. After we parted ways, Joseph turned to me.

“It’s so much fun to tell people,” he said. “It’s like I totally forgot that we were engaged, but then, telling other people gets me so excited again.” 

By the time we reached the bottom of the mountain, we were both starving. We grabbed our portable grill from the car and sat at a nearby picnic table, where we made chicken melt sandwiches. It was a satisfying meal after such a strenuous hike.

We then headed into town, where we bought lattes and walked main street. Joseph bought me a snow globe to commemorate our experience, and I bought a sticker for our scrapbook. We listened to a live band playing and strolled along the sidewalks painted with the word “love” in rainbow letters in multiple languages. 

By the time we had finished exploring, it was already three in the afternoon. We decided to head to Red Rock Canyon and save Boulder, our original next stop, until we headed back north. We drove, listening to music, both exhausted after the long day we had already experienced. 

I don’t remember what Joseph said. I know my feelings were a bit hurt when he said it, but that the comment was so inconsequential, I brushed it aside nearly instantly. I let it go, but he didn’t.

The next thing I knew, Joseph was broken down beside me, upset because he felt he kept hurting me on this trip. 

“Is it going to be like this for the rest of our lives,” he asked me. “Am I just going to keep hurting you? And what if I become someone that you don’t like – what are we going to do then? Is this really what you want?”

I was stunned. I didn’t know how to prove to this man any more than I already had how much I love him. He expressed that he was still feeling rejected; he still felt like there was something off between us, even though I had done everything I could think of in the last few days, and for all of our relationship, to make him feel loved. 

We parked at Red Rock Canyon, both a wreck, our tired eyes staring out of the windshield, not even seeing the landscape before us.

“I just don’t understand,” I said. “I don’t know what changed. We just got engaged, and we are on this trip that we have both dreamed of, and you just seem so unhappy.” I looked to him, my eyes posing the question that neither of us wanted to actually speak into existence: Do you even want to be engaged to me?

Joseph’s proposal – Photo creds go to Jon Mauler. If you want to see more of his amazing photography, visit https://www.jonmauler.com/

“Alright, let’s do what we did the other day,” Joseph said after what felt like minutes of silence. “Let’s get out of the car and try to step out of this situation, and then maybe we will be able to see more clearly what’s going on.” We exited the car. Joseph grabbed cereal for a snack while I walked across the parking lot to the restrooms. 

I am so glad I walked away. I needed a few moments alone to think. I sat for a moment, took a few deep breaths, and tried to clear my mind. Why wasn’t Joseph happy? Was it me? Was it something I did? Did he not want to be engaged? He didn’t seem to be excited to be engaged, which just baffled me because from almost the very beginning of our relationship, we have both been dreaming of this moment. 

And then it hit me. Just a week ago, sitting alone at home, just days after Joseph and I had gotten engaged, I remember not feeling so well either. I didn’t understand it at the time. My mother would ask me why I seemed upset, why I wasn’t more thrilled to share all the details of the proposal, why I didn’t seem like myself at all. And the answer I didn’t want to admit was because I was upset, because the proposal was something I didn’t want to talk about, and because I no longer felt like myself. 

I was thrilled to be engaged, but once the excitement of the proposal had gone away, it hit me just how big of a decision I had made. Before the proposal, Joseph and I had talked extensively about our future, engagement, marriage, kids…just about everything. We even read through a book, “101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged,” and not even one red flag had appeared as we worked through it. I knew the proposal was coming, and up until the day of, I had always said that I was absolutely positive that it was what I wanted. And it is still exactly what I want.

Photo creds: Jon Mauler (Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jonmauler/)

But when Joseph bent down on one knee, I had the length of two seconds to answer him. Of course, it was like a reflex – how could I not marry this man who had changed my entire life for the better? But after a few days, when the excitement wore off, I started to realize everything I was giving up. I knew it wasn’t a mistake, but I had to grieve for the life that I thought I was going to have for the first 21 years of my life, before I met Joseph. I would never become a travel writer, adventuring solo around the world and sharing my journey through my craft. I would never live the single life in an apartment in New York City, working as a waitress and trying to “make it big” like everyone else there. I was now looking at a very different future, one that I very much wanted, but that was entirely different from what I had imagined for most of my life.

When I exited the bathroom, I sat on the back of the car with Joseph by my side, eating my bowl of cereal, still contemplating my latest realization.

“I think I know what’s wrong,” I said.

“You do,” he asked.

“Yes, because what you’re going through right now, I went through last week,” I said, “And I just didn’t tell you about it.” Joseph stared at me. “If I’m wrong,” I continued, “it might be really bad. But if I’m right, it could really help us.”

“What is it,” Joseph asked. I gestured to his bowl my spoon. 

“Eat your cereal first,” I said. Joseph laughed. 

“That sounds good,” he said. We finished our snack, and then we started our hike up the barren red path winding through the cacti and underbrush. 

I told him everything I had thought about in the bathroom. I told him I had realized that the reason we couldn’t figure out why anything was wrong may just be what was wrong: We couldn’t understand why we were unhappy right after we got engaged, but maybe it was because we got engaged. That’s not to say that we both aren’t so incredibly happy to be engaged, that we would ever change our minds and not choose to spend the rest of our lives with one another. However, we just went through a huge life change and we need time to adjust and grieve for what we gave up. We are no longer our own person; we just agreed to soon become one flesh in holy matrimony.

“Tyler, I think that might be it,” Joseph said. “And I think it’s also that I just don’t feel like we’re engaged. We made this huge decision, and then nothing really changed. I mean, you’re not even wearing your ring!” My ring is currently being resized at Zales in Maryland. No longer wanting to have a bare finger, I am wearing a cheap Aeropostale ring that’s turning my finger green. 

“So, it’s normal to feel this way,” Joseph asked.

“I think so,” I said. “It’s a huge decision. I had these feelings before, but I don’t anymore, because I know whatever other future I could have had, it doesn’t even compare to the future I am going to have with you. I want to marry you. So, there were three things that helped me. One, I admitted what I was feeling. Then, I had a sit down conversation with myself, where I actually thought through what would have happened if I had said, ‘no.’ And I didn’t get far into that conversation before I started crying because it was terrible. And then, I think the last thing that you have to do to deal with a big life change is to start moving with it. I think big life changes are always intimidating until you start living it out, and then you realize it’s not so bad. I think right now we are intimidated by being engaged, but if we start actually planning the wedding, doing pre-marriage counseling, looking for places to live, I think we will realize that it’s actually something we can handle.”

Joseph took this in, and it was clear that his spirits were much more lifted than before. There was the old spring in his step that I had been missing this entire trip. 

“I am so glad we’re talking about this,” he said. “This is what actually makes me feel confident in our relationship. I feel so validated and seen by you. I remember seeing guys get cold feet right before their weddings, and I didn’t understand why, and I didn’t think that I would be that. But I think that’s what’s happening. And I don’t want that to happen anymore.” He paused. “So, I guess I am going to have that sit-down conversation with myself.” I took a nervous, deep breath and nodded. 

“I think you have to,” I said. 

“I love you,” Joseph told me.

“I love you, too.”

The sun began to set, bathing the canyons in red light. We hurried back to our car in the dark and made dinner on a nearby rock. It was late by the time we got on the road, headed to a Walmart parking lot to sleep. To our dismay, when we arrived, we saw a sign that said “No overnight parking.” Physically and emotionally exhausted, we drove another half hour to a Bass Pro Shop parking lot, where we emptied the back seat for me to sleep and set up Joseph’s hammock outside.

Alone in the car, I am both an emotional wreck and the most calm I have been in days. I am confident in our relationship, but there is, of course, that sliver of doubt that wonders if Joseph’s conversation with himself won’t go as I mine went with me. There’s that little bit of me that worries we won’t be climbing any more mountains together in the future. I am worried about losing both my fiancé and my best friend. 

But the thing is, I know this has been hanging over us the whole trip, and now it’s finally being laid to rest. From here on, we are once again on the same page of our story.

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Colorado road trip: Day three

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The first thing Joseph said to me on the morning of our third day road tripping was the last thing I would ever want to wake up to hearing.

“I didn’t want to wake you last night because I didn’t want to scare you,” Joseph said. 

“Okay,” I said uneasily. “What is it?”  He pulled out his phone, opened his photos app, and clicked on a video recording from last night. When he clicked play, the sounds of at least a dozen dogs barking filled the tent.

“They were everywhere,” Joseph said. “They were so loud they woke me up.”

“We had coyotes around our tent,” I exclaimed. Joseph laughed and nodded. 

Despite that alarming start to our day, we and all of our belongings were fine. The two of us got ready and went for a 5K run to stretch our legs before sitting in the car all day. After the run, we jumped into the lake in our bathing suits to cool off and bathe for the first time on this trip. Despite the murky water and mud squishing between my toes, it was actually quite refreshing, and I felt surprisingly clean afterwards. We made some oatmeal for breakfast, and then we started driving to the destination we have been looking forward to: Colorado. 

I dozed in the car as Joseph listened to a podcast about his enneagram. We stopped in an iHop parking lot so I could teach my yoga class. 

As I was teaching, I watched Joseph with curiosity. He had the hood open and was moving about the car, seemingly hard at work. When I finished teaching, he excitedly showed me what he had been up to.

Do you remember that cigarette lighter we blew on the first day of our trip? We have been struggling to get enough power to charge any of our electronics since then. Today, Joseph had the brilliant idea of trying to fix the cigarette lighter himself, something I didn’t think could be done. He found a YouTube video about where to find the fuse box in his car, which had extra fuses for the cigarette lighter in it. Without any prior experience, he switched the fuse in the cigarette lighter and it worked! Now, we have enough power to charge everything we need for the rest of this trip.

Now, the main concern is the car brakes. We have been hearing a soft grinding noise in the back right tire, and when we looked at it today, we saw rust had covered about an inch of the rotor. After consulting some family and friends who are mechanics, we have decided to let it go for now, but if it gets worse, we will have to get it fixed during this trip. 

The rest of the day was spent driving, driving, and driving some more. Kansas is beautiful, but the long flat roads surrounded by cornfields start to get old after a few hours. 

We found some sunflowers (my favorite flower) on the side of the road. It was a nice break from the corn.

“How are we still in Kansas,” I asked in exasperation. 

“This is how it is,” Joseph said jokingly. “You’re in Kansas for, like, eight days, and then you finally get to Colorado.” 

We stopped at a gas station, where I filled our water bottles with a pump. The thing is, I have never used a water pump, so when I attempted it, the water sprayed all over me. Joseph,  who was filling our tires with air,  started laughing hysterically. But, honestly, after sitting in the hot car all day, it felt so refreshing. I would have sat under that spigot and just let the water run over me if it had been socially acceptable to do so. The heat was so oppressive today that by the time I finished filling the water bottles and returned to the car, my clothes were completely dry.

Two hours outside of Colorado, we decided to revisit the enneagram by listening to podcasts about each of our numbers. I insisted we listen to Joseph’s first. 

But, as we got further into it, his comments began to rub me the wrong way. He would agree with it and point out things about himself, saying, “Yes, that’s what I need!” and “That is so me!” The comments themselves were fine – they are actually what is to be expected when someone is learning more about himself. But I felt like they were directed at me, as if I did not  already know who he was. I felt like he was telling me what he needed because he felt I was not currently giving that to him, and that hurt me. 

These feelings probably came up for me because this was not an isolated incident. Just the night before,  Joseph told me that he felt like his love tank was not full. I was so surprised to hear that, considering we just got engaged a little over a week ago and we have been spending so much time together since then. His top love language is quality time, so it didn’t make sense why his love tank would not be full. Joseph’s secondary love language is physical touch, but I also felt like I had been loving him just as much as usual in this area as well. The two of us have agreed to wait until marriage to have sex, not necessarily because of religion, but because we want to learn all the other ways to love one another before having sex, because we know at that time, sex will most likely become the default way to show love. So, I can’t give him that, but that doesn’t mean I have not been able to show him love in other ways. And this pact is nothing new, so I was confused as to why, after over a year of dating, this was suddenly a problem. Joseph always told me I do a good job of loving him. Why would his love tank be decreasing after we got engaged and while we were on the trip of a lifetime? 

I’m repping my “The Africa Doc” t-shirt today. To learn more about this amazing project by my friend, Mark Perry, visit http://theafricadoc.com/

I’m not sure how it came out. I don’t remember what was said or how it came up, but before I knew it, we were pulled over on a side dirt road, tears running down my face, and both of us yelling at each other. It felt like one of the worst fights we had ever had. Joseph didn’t understand why I wasn’t happy, why I wasn’t enjoying learning more about our personalities and how that manifests in our relationship, and he hated that I was hurt, but he didn’t know what he had done wrong. I was distraught that I had apparently not loved him well; I didn’t understand what I had done wrong, and I was hurt that my fiancé seemed to believe that I didn’t already know how to love him well. And, perhaps, I was hurt that maybe that was true. It had always been one of my main goals to make sure he felt loved, and to hear that I failed in that area was devastating to me. 

We got back into the car and continued our drive, tense, exhausted and hurt. The last few days of sleep deprivation and being stuck in the car all day had taken its toll. We each spoke our minds, but neither of us seemed to have the energy to actually solve the problem. After a few minutes of just sitting in an exhausted and uncomfortable silence, I turned to him.

“Can we just get out of that place and start over from here,” I asked.

“Yes, please,” Joseph said. “I hate this. What is happening to us?”

“I don’t know,” I said. “I think we’re tired.”

“Yes, like I so want to talk to you about this, but I can’t even think through what you’re saying,” Joseph said.

“Same,” I agreed. “I don’t want to be mad at you.”

“I don’t want to be mad at you,” Joseph said. “This is awful.”

“Okay, we’ve both said our peace, right,” I asked.

“Yes.”

“So, let’s just start from here. If you don’t feel loved, for whatever reason, you have to tell me. And then we will work through it.”

“And if you don’t feel loved, you have to tell me,” Joseph said. I agreed, and we both took a deep breath. 

“You want to finish listening to the podcast,” I asked. 

“Yes, I do.” Joseph turned it back on, and we listened through the last fifteen minutes. When we finished, Joseph asked what I thought. 

“It’s definitely you,” I said. “It makes a lot of sense. Especially the part about how you have to remind yourself to be a human ‘being,’ not a human ‘doing.’ I have literally heard you say that.”

“Yeah, there’s so many things that I heard that are things that I have said before, without even knowing that it was a part of my enneagram,” Joseph said. “And that whole part about just wanting affirmation. That’s all I want from people – to know that I did a good job.” I paused for a moment, studying him. 

“Joseph, did I thank you enough for our engagement,” I asked. “I mean, did I let you know how much it meant to me?”

“Yeah, I mean, I put a lot of work into it, but you did tell me,” he said. “But, then, I put a lot of work into this trip, too. And I just don’t feel like you noticed.” 

“I didn’t realize you needed to hear that,” I said. “Of course I noticed! You put so much work into this trip. But, so did I, and I didn’t expect you to thank me for it. We did it together.” I paused, thinking. “Are you sure your top love language isn’t words of affirmation?” Joseph stared at me. 

“Maybe,” he said slowly. 

“I mean, you told me your love tank wasn’t full, but we have spent every moment together. And we have had just as much physical touch as we always do. But, I didn’t affirm you about how amazing your proposal was and how well you did at planning this trip, and suddenly your love tank isn’t full.” We were silent for a moment, thinking. 

“Let’s try something,” I said. I grabbed his hand, gave it a squeeze and a long, tender kiss. Then, I looked deep into his eyes and said, “Joseph, thank you so much for your proposal. It was the proposal of my dreams. I could not have asked for more. It was so amazing, I couldn’t even believe it was for me. You love me so well. And thank you for how much thought and preparation you put into this trip. I was so nervous, but you put in so much work to make me feel comfortable and I really appreciate it.” 

“Thank you,” Joseph said sincerely, and I could see his eyes filled with what almost looked like relief. 

colorado sign

“Which thing meant more to you,” I asked. 

“Which what?”

“Did you even notice that I did two different things,” I asked. Joseph stared at me. “I grabbed your hand and kissed it, and then I affirmed you.” 

“I didn’t even think about you holding my hand,” Joseph said, surprised. “What you said meant everything to me. That filled my cup.”

I always thought it was strange that Joseph didn’t have words of affirmation as his top love language. He has always said that what makes him feel loved is when I listen to him and make him feel seen and heard, yet he has always insisted that his love languages were quality time and physical touch. 

Everyone seems to think that when two people get engaged, their relationship is supposed to be perfect, full of smiles and laughter. And it is, but it’s also filled with struggle, hurt, and difficult conversations. The point is that we know we want to spend the rest of our lives together, despite those challenging times. And today’s fight was actually super important for our relationship. We learned how I could better love Joseph, and when Joseph feels loved, it better enables him to love me well. When we were fighting, it felt like something broke between us, and maybe it did. But, an hour later, it was mended stronger than it was before.

There is no doubt that there will be many more fights, even worse than today’s argument. But I  have no doubt that I want to marry this man, because I know we are both dedicated to working through it and learning how to love each other better. That’s why I said “yes” when he asked me to marry him – not because we are perfect, but because we both recognize we aren’t and that actually makes us stronger. 

I would love to say that the rest of the drive was without any more challenges, but that is not the case. As we drove down the scenic highway, gazing out at the mountains in the distance, both of our cups were filled. Our only annoyance were the mosquitos buzzing around our heads. We slapped at them, hitting the car windows and doors and missing nearly every time. I missed one, and it flew over to Joseph’s side and landed on the windshield. Joseph formed a fist and hit the glass. 

The crack shocked us both. We stared, mouths agape, as it spiderwebbed across the glass. For a moment, we were both still. The mosquito flew away between us, triumphant. Joseph  and I looked at each other, and then we both burst into incredulous laughter. I suppose we will have to get that fixed soon, too.

We drove into Blanca, Colorado, and made it to our campsite. The road, however, was far too rough for our car, and the campsite was crowded with people, so we turned around and drove to our back-up choice. By this point, it was late and we were both exhausted. We had not eaten in eight hours, our bodies ached, and we were ready to go to bed. But when we finally made it down the dirt road, the sign read “Camping prohibited.” Discouraged and weary, we drove back into town, searching for an empty parking lot where we could just sleep in the car. By the time we found a spot, it was far too late to make dinner. We each had a small snack and climbed into the back of the car, and passed out, emotionally and physically exhausted.

But we made it. After three long days, we have arrived in Colorado. 

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Colorado, baby!

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Since the first date with Joseph, my new fiancé, we have talked about our shared dream of going to Colorado.

At the first mention, he had been there before, first for a skiing trip and then once more driving through the state on a road trip. I had not yet had the chance of visiting, but I had always dreamed of going. That following summer, on a cross country running journey, I found myself falling in love with the majestic mountain ranges. Strolling through Denver, I knew this needed to be a place I returned to one day. I had no way of knowing it would be so soon.

During our impromptu staycation last week, Joseph proposed to me that we take a road trip to Colorado. It was just a musing at first, but then, we both grew more serious about the idea. Because of the novel coronavirus, neither of us are working our regular jobs right now, and his graduate school classes don’t start for another month. When again would we have a chance like this?

I agreed, not knowing that Joseph had even more in mind for this trip. On the last day of our staycation, he bent down on one knee and asked me to marry him. Our Colorado trip suddenly became not just a summer road trip, but the celebration of our engagement.

Photo by Jon Mauler – check out more of his amazing photography and videography on his Instagram at https://instagram.com/jonmauler?igshid=1qcaup49os6gk

We had a week to plan, which was not much considering we had to pack all of our food (I am currently on a very strict diet for my health, so fast food is, unfortunately, not an option), and we wanted to stay within a tight budget. 

Despite this, everything came together this morning. With the car packed full with food, sleeping bags, extra blankets, clothes, and our tent, we bid my parents farewell and embarked on our first long driving day just shortly after sunrise.

The first few hours driving into Western Maryland were reminiscent of the road trip we had taken during our staycation just last week, the day Joseph had proposed the Colorado road trip idea. When we crossed the border into West Virginia, what we were doing became real to both us, and our excitement only grew.

We stopped in a Panera parking lot at lunch so I could have reliable wifi for a video call for work. We sat on the curb eating sandwiches and making bitter instant coffee that neither of us wanted to drink. 

That’s when the first misadventure happened. The power box we bought blew the circuit in the cigarette lighter, so we were stuck figuring out how we were going to charge my laptop during this trip. We scanned desperately through Amazon, but found that most of the chargers we needed to replace it (if we could even get them), would be a hundred dollars at the least.

Without much hope, we stopped by a Walmart nearby. We perused the laptop section without any luck. As a last effort, we went to the automotive section, where we found a USB-A to USB-C lightning cable for three dollars! We eagerly ran back to the car to test it out, and to our delight, it worked. Crisis number one was successfully averted.

We continued our drive through West Virginia, marveling at the scenery and listening to music. I found a Pinterest steal this morning about making a playlist to create a soundtrack for your life, and we both had fun picking songs for that and sharing our selections with one another. 

Kentucky was our final destination for today’s travels. We stopped in a Cabela’s parking lot, our “campsite” for the night, just as it was starting to drizzle. Fighting against time, we rushed to light our portable grill and heat up our turkey burgers for dinner. We jumped in the car just as the rain was starting to pour. The burgers weren’t quite warm; unfortunately, they were about the same temperature as the salad we ate it with (which was also not at its ideal temperature after sitting in the cooler all day). But after such a long day, it felt like a five-star meal.

We’re in the car now, the seats pushed down into the floor and our sleeping bags laid out on top for a bit of cushioning. It’s hot and humid, but Joseph had the genius idea of securing a tarp to the side of the car so we could roll down a window. Now, there’s at least a cool breeze blanketing us. The sound of the rain pattering against the car windows is going to be a soothing lullaby for our first night on the road. Honestly, after sixteen hours of being on-the-go, I don’t think anything could keep me awake at this point.

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