It’s a tough pill to swallow. Disappointment is that empty feeling in the pit of your stomach that makes it difficult to focus on anything else. And it doesn’t just hurt when we personally experience disappointment. There’s no worse slap in the face than when someone tells you they are disappointed in you.

According to Psychology Today, disappointment is a type of sadness: “A feeling of loss, an uncomfortable space (or a painful gap) between our expectations & reality.” We can set ourselves up for disappointment when we have higher expectations for a situation or outcome than what is realistic.

According to Dr. Tara Well, an associate professor of psychology at Barnard College of Columbia University, one way to deal with disappointment before it happens is to manage these expectations. Be realistic when setting time limits to achieve your goals, & realize that, even if you achieve a desired outcome, it may not give you the happiness you desire. We are taught to associate happiness with certain things, like money or power, but often these things fail to give us the happiness we thought they would. Similarly, disappointment can come from placing too many expectations or too much responsibility for your happiness on a single person in your life. And we also face disappointment when things don’t go as planned; when things don’t fall into place the way we thought they would, especially when we worked hard to make it so, it can be disheartening.

One of the most important things you can do to avoid disappointment is to approach life in a more relaxed state. Being flexible allows you to deal with moments with acceptance & perseverance, rather than disappointment. But, that’s a rather hard thing to do. If you are naturally more anxious or perfectionistic, changing your personality is not an easy task.

So, what do you do if you’re already feeling disappointed?

If you’re feeling disappointed in yourself, speak to yourself with kindness. Talk to yourself as you would a friend. Look for the lesson in what you learned to move forward with knowledge & insight from this moment. And most importantly, have grace & forgiveness for yourself.

If you are disappointed in a person, remember to approach others with kindness as well. Think about whether the expectations you are placing on others are things you should be fulfilling for yourself. Sometimes, it is necessary to reevaluate a relationship to make sure it is beneficial for both parties – that there is an even give & take. But other times, we have to recognize our own needs, & realize that the other person is either not capable of fulfilling them, or that we did not even communicate them properly. In both of these situations, communicating with the other person & working together to define what your relationship will look like is a good next step.

And last but not least, what do you do when you encounter a disappointing situation?

I think the first instinct for a lot of us is to put our heads down & move on. I mean, there’s no point crying over spilled milk right? And in situations that cannot be changed, this may be the best route of action. Take whatever lesson you can from the situation & move on. But what about for situations where you may be able to change something? Or, perhaps, there is a better alternative that you didn’t even think of before.

Every time I’ve just “moved on” in my life after a disappointment, instead of thinking about what I could do instead, it tends to become one of those memories from years ago that pops into my head when I lie in bed & keeps me up all night. 

When I face a disappointing situation, the first thing I honestly do is cry & have a little pity party for myself. Then I brush myself off & fight it.

Is it futile? Sometimes, yes. I mean, if we’re using the spilled milk analogy, have you ever tried gather up spilled liquid off the ground? There’s absolutely no point. Clean it up, throw it out, & move on. 

But, maybe it isn’t spilled milk. Maybe it’s just a dropped piece of chocolate, & I think the five-second-rule applies. I want to know, when I lay down & get to thinking late at night that I did everything I could to get the outcome I desired. Because it’s one thing to be disappointed in a situation, but it’s an entirely different thing to be disappointed in myself. It doesn’t always work out, but it can save me from thinking back & regretting the choices that I’ve made in my life, & that’s worth the fight.